"Even for your Husband?" and Simple Things

Well, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I can not believe that this is already my second Christmas without Shawn. It just doesn't seem possible to me, how can it already be two Christmas's without him? Probably the same way it is going to be a year and a half since his death in just two very short months. A year and a half, it really blows my mind to think that! I remember everything about August 18, 2008, the day Shawn died and that day feels just like yesterday, so how can it be 16 months already and Christmas number two without him?! Is the saying true..."time fly's when you are having fun"? Huh...I think NOT!!

On Christmas day I will be posting my Christmas letter for you all to read. In that letter it says that the last several months I have been doing really good. And I have, really. I've been going out, laughing, talking to a few different guys (yes, I said guys as in more than one...more on that in another post), the last few months the fun has started to return to my life and for the first time since Shawn died I have started to feel 'good'. That feeling has felt amazing and I was waiting patiently for the 'good' feeling to return. It's a different 'good' than before, but 'good' none the less. I have also been kind of looking forward to Christmas this year as well, which was much different than last year. I'm still not all gung-ho for Christmas Eve or for Christmas, but I'm a bit more excited than last year, so I guess that is a step in the right direction.

However, Monday and today two things happened that made my stomach instantly sink and I was left with that uneasy, this still sucks feeling all day long. Sometimes it's the simple things that makes me miss Shawn more than anything, More often that not it's the simple things like ordering new checks for the first time without his name on them that will send me into a river of tears. Over the last 16 months I've made it through tons of simple things and I've learned to control the tears and only cry when I want to cry, but I still haven't figured out how to get rid of that sinking sick feeling in my stomach when a simple thing occurs, maybe that comes with more time. Or then again, maybe that feeling never goes away.

Monday I was walking out of the gym with two of the guys that work out the same time I do. One of them actual knew Shawn when they were little kids and used to play ball together in middle school. He and I talk all the time and he knows about Shawn. The other guy is just a nice older gentleman that talks to everybody and is super friendly. Anyways, the three of us were walking out talking about our Christmas plans and about last minute shopping that we each needed. I proudly announced that I had been done with my shopping for a few weeks now and that all I needed to do was wrap the gifts. The older man stopped, looked at me and said, "You mean to tell me you even have all the gifts for your husband bought already?" Insert sinking stomach feeling right there. I just stood there and didn't really say anything. I wanted to say, "Well, no, not everything I will go Christmas Day to get fresh flowers to put on his grave.", but I didn't. Luckily, the other guy quickly jumped in and made a smart ass comment about forgetting to get his wife a gift. We then walked out to the parking lot and he told me that he was sorry that the other guy made that comment. I told him it was fine, really there was no way of him knowing that Shawn passed away and that I'm a widow. I mean it's not like I have the word, "widow" tattooed across my forehead. I really was fine. It was a simple question, made my a friendly guy who meant no harm. At that moment it really didn't bother me, but then as the day went on and I thought about it, his comment started to suck more and more. Yeah, I wish like hell I could buy Shawn something for Christmas, I wish like hell, that HE could be here for Christmas and that I could see, touch, talk, hold him, and kiss him once again, but I can't. Sometimes, it's the simple things that make me miss Shawn more than anything.

Last Christmas unless a card was addressed to me I didn't read or even look at one Christmas card. No way did I want to see a happy person or a happy family in their yearly Christmas card, so I just decided not to read them. Well, this year things are different. I feel happier and I really want to be happy once again so I've been reading the cards as they come in and I've been fine, well, until this morning. This morning I came down to the family room and noticed there was a card hanging up that I did not see the day before so I opened it up and it said, "Dave, Beth, Jen, Katie, Matt and Erika" I'm not sure why but for some reason reading all of our names without seeing Shawn's name in the listed with the rest of the family took my breath away. Literally, could not breath for a second. Wait, yes I do know why...even though I'm happier and want to be happy it still SUCKS that Shawn isn't here and it is exceptionally hard this time of year. Once again the person who addressed the card meant to harm and they did nothing wrong but once again sometimes it's the simple things like not seeing Shawn's name on a Christmas card that makes me miss him.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, Shawn's favorite day of the whole entire year. He always told me that he loved Christmas Eve more than Christmas Day. He loved spending time with both of our families. We used to ping pong back and forth for two straight days spending equal time with both sides of our family. Ever since I started dating Shawn we would go to his Grandma's house on Christmas Eve, every single family member is there and it's a little nuts, okay a lot nuts, but we always went. It was Shawn's thing and we went because he never wanted to disappoint his Grandma by not going.

Last year I went to Christmas Eve at Shawn's Grandma's house...alone. Not because I wanted too, because I didn't, not at all. But I went for Shawn, because that was his night and he loved it more than anything. At first I wasn't going to go this year. It's just not the same, at least not for me it isn't. I walk in and immediately everybody stares at me. Almost like they expect me to burst out into tears as I walk into the door. I've got news for them...I won't cry...ever in front of them! Everyone wants to know how I'm "doing" and they all look at me with this awful look of pity on their face. I can't stand it! So, I wasn't going to go this year, I figured why do that to myself. Then the more I thought about it I realized I "have to" go. Do I really want to go alone? No, not at all! I have to go because of Shawn, I can't and won't let him down by not going. I will suck it up and deal with the looks, the sitting alone at dinner, the only one there not as "family", the only one there without a person to love and share the night with. I will do it for Shawn and that is all I need to help me get through the night. He will be with me! Will it be the same....no....it will never be the same. I don't know if I will go to Christmas Eve in the future, it may get weird or weirder as time goes on. Especially if I meet somebody new, but for this year I will be going to Christmas Eve dinner and for the second year in a row I will be walking into Shawn's Grandma's house on Shawn's favorite night alone. That is not a simple thing, that is a big thing, and that makes me miss Shawn too.

So on this night before Christmas Eve I wish you all happiness and peace tomorrow and on Christmas Day. Enjoy your families, enjoy your children, please please please enjoy your husbands and enjoy the "simple things"