End of 2009

Well, today is December 31, 2009...New Years Eve. For some reason I have never been a huge fan of New Years Eve. I really don't know why, I guess it's because I don't get the hype and for the most part it just feels like any other ordinary day. Last year I didn't think New Years Eve was going to bother me at all. I mean really why should it, Shawn and I never really did anything special on that day. However, the closer to midnight it got the more and more anxiety I started to feel. As the seconds ticked closer to 2009 I was also getting closer and closer to saying goodbye to 2008, the last of the year that I got to spend with Shawn, the last year of 'us'. Once the clock struck mid-night and it was officially 2009, I was going to be starting an entire new year with just myself. 2009 was going to be the first year in 12 years where Shawn wasn't going to be with me, and that freaked the hell out of me. Last New Year's Eve brought many emotions that I really wasn't expecting. Over this last year lots of things have changed in my life and I've also figured more and more of 'me' out. As of this second (who knows how I will feel at 11:50 p.m tonight!) I'm not feeling the since of dread for 2010 that I was feeling for 2009. I think the only thing that is really going to bother me is now when I talk about Shawn's death, I will have to say he died two years ago, instead referring to it as last year. (not that it has officially been two years, but you know what I mean) It's just another odd little reminder that 'us' is slipping away and I'm continuing to move on and to live without him. On a happy note I'm kind of looking forward to what 2010 has to offer me and I'm ready to tackle it. I know I will still miss Shawn, I know I will still have hard days, but I'm also hoping that 2010 can be a year filled with more and more happiness for me as I continue to figure more of 'me' and my life out. Who knows...maybe in 2010 I will be able to say that I'm in love again. Huh, it's not looking too promising at this moment, but a girl can hope can't she?! Anyways, I do have a post that I wrote in my head about 2009 and in the next day or so I will share it with you. But for today I found this fun little 2009 questionnaire on Amy's blog at http://keepingupwiththeschultzfamily.blogspot.com so I figured I would keep you all in suspense for that post and answer these questions for you.


1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Uhm, just in case you didn't ready my last post...I got my first TATTOO!!! I know it's not really that big of a deal and people get tattoo's all the time. But for me it was a huge thing!! If you haven't read the story, scroll down and read my last post. I got a set of angel wings on my shoulder to represent Shawn and our baby. Oh, and for the first time in my life I bought a brand new 2009 car!! Geesh, and I got Bo!! Come to think about it 2009 was filled with lots of stuff for me that I had never done before!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't really make a resolution for last year, at that moment a resolution seemed like to daunting of a task when I was just figuring out how to live my life without Shawn. I knew I wanted to work on figuring more of 'me' out. I think I did a pretty good job of that in 2009. I'm expecting 2010 to bring more of the same, I still have more of myself that I need to get to know a bit better. The only real resolution that I will make for 2010 is to continue working out, going to the gym and eating healthier.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Oh gosh...I don't think so. Man, I hope I'm not missing something here. But as far as I can remember nobody close to me gave birth. However, one of my best friends Meg is pregnant right now!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Our neighbor for my entire life Ruth died this fall.

5. What countries did you visit?
None, heck I don't even have a passport!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More joy and happiness. 2009 did bring me happiness and a lot of fun times. But I would like for that feeling to stick around more in 2010.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 18, 2009 the one year anniversary of Shawn's death. I thought that day was going to be impossibly hard and in many ways it was. However, on that day I had so much love and support in my life it truly amazed me. Every single one of my friends called, many of them more than once or twice and all the coaches called me. I spent the day with friends and I also spent the day remembering the good times I had with Shawn. For the first time on that day, I was able to watch his tribute video, look at our wedding album and other pictures of Shawn without crying. It was a hard day, but a good day at the same time.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Just getting through last year and all of the firsts without Shawn is a big enough achievement for me!

9. What was your biggest failure? Okay, this is probably going to sound really snotty of me, and I don't really mean it to. But, I don't really know if I failed at anything this year. 2009 was one of the hardest years of my life, but I chose to fight through all the pain and shit and continue to live my life. Every single day I got up and lived my life, did things I never did before, and everyday I figured more of me out...in my book that's not failing...that's living!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had strep throat once but that is it!

11. What was the best thing you bought? Hands down...Bo!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Every single one of my friends for always being there for me and for sticking by my side whenever I needed them! I have the best friends ever!!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I was really getting sick and tired of the entire Jon and Kate thing!

14. Where did most of your money go? The mall!!! Hahah....really seriously, I did pay off huge amounts of credit card debt.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Whenever I had a chance to go back down to Ohio and spend time with my friends. Also when I was able to go to Chicago and spend an entire week with Megan!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? Oh gosh...I don't know. There were many songs last year that I liked and will remind me of 2009.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
I think I'm for sure happier. I've gained some weight back that I lost right after Shawn died, but I'm now at a much healthier weight and plus I've got muscle now and as far as being richer or poor...I think I'm much richer in my life now than I was last year, but I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about things that are way more important in your life other than money!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Spending more time outside when it was nice out.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Maybe less complaining about my life. But then again, I think that was a process I had to go through as well.

20. How did you spend Christmas? At home with my family, it was very laid back, but very nice as well.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Nope, not unless something magical happens in the next 12 hours!!

22. What was your favorite TV program? I'm a huge sucker for reality TV...Loved Dancing with the Stars!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you did not hate this time last year? I try hard not to hate anyone. Although I'd be lying if I told you there weren't a few people that I strongly dislike or get very irritated with!

24. What was the best book you read? The Time Traveler's Wife.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Kings of Leon. Love them!!

26. What did you want and get? I wanted a dog, a new car and a tattoo. And guess what...I got all of them!

27. What did you want and not get? Hahaha...that's a hard question

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Hands down...The Blind Side!! and I went to the movies A LOT this year!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 32 and I honestly can't tell you what I did, because I honestly don't even remember! Wow..that's bad!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Too not to have had to go through all the grief and misery that I went through in 2008/2009! But I had no choice, so, I went with it, lived through it, and learned from it.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? I personally think I'm pretty fashionable. In 2009 I stepped out of the box a bit and wore outfits and colors that I have never worn before.

32. What kept you sane?My friends, family, Bo and praying!

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I'm about totally in love with looking at Shemar Moore from Criminal Minds. I mean seriously...can he be any hotter??!!

34. What political issue stirred you the most? It's probably bad for me to say this, but I don't usually get upset about much dealing with politics.

35. Who did you miss? Shawn!

36. Who was the best new person you met? I've met several new people in 2009. Recently two 'old' friends of mine that have been gone from my life have reappeared and that is wonderful. People really do come into your life when you need them the most!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. Love like you have never loved before and cherish what you have because in a blink of an eye it can all be gone.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I don't know if this quote sums up my year or not but on a friends facebook page he has this quote and I really like it and I think it has lots of meaning in it. "To this world you may be one small person, but to one small person you may be the world!!"

I know this got really really long...shocking I know on my blog!! Thank you to each of you for reading and I hope you have a happy, safe, healthy, and blessed 2010!!