So does that title make any sense to any of you? I'm thinking maybe not so let me try to explain.
The other day I was talking to one of the ladies in my 'group', and as we were talking I noticed that we both were referring and talking about our husbands like they were still here with us. I'm not talking about sharing memories or anything like that. I'm talking about the actual words we used while talking. Words like "ours", and "we". Versus the words "mine" and "I". Words like "likes" and "does" versus the words "liked","used to" and "did". Make any sense yet?
As we were talking I began wondering when I will stop talking like Shawn is sitting beside me. (I wish he was sitting beside me) When will I stop talking like he is going to walk through the door? As I've said before I know there is not a time table on anything grief related. I'm not going to make myself stop saying "I need to change the sheets on our bed." However, I do wonder when the time will come when I automatically will say, "I need to change the sheets on my bed." Will the time ever come? It feels weird to think that it will and maybe sooner than I would like it to. To me it will always be our bed. The bed and the head/footboard was the first real piece of furniture that the two of us bought together. Although, I've noticed when I talk about something with other people some of them look at me funny. They look at me like why does she keep saying 'our' when the 'our' is no longer, the 'our' is gone and is not coming back. She should be saying 'my' or 'mine' instead. I don't know, maybe I should.
I have noticed when I talk about Shawn I now talk about him in the past tense. I say things like, "Shawn loved to do that" or "Shawn lived for football season" or "Shawn would have been a great Dad." I know when talking about him I have to use the past tense, people will think I'm crazy otherwise. As much as it hurts and I mean it really does hurt my heart I'm "ok" with talking about Shawn in the past tense. What I hate doing is talking about "us" in the past. It makes me feel like I'm slamming the door on our marriage and on our relationship. That hurts far far worse. I think it's because it just sounds so final that way. I mean, I know it is final. I know Shawn is not coming back and I know that "we" are not going to continue. "We" and our relationship will now only live through my memories and in my heart. Makes me sad to think like that, but I guess it is the truth. However, at the same time I hate saying things like "We used to watch movies together" or "Our favorite place to eat was" Like I said I think it's just the finality of it all.
Within the last several months I have started to say, "I" instead of "we". Now I say things like "I want to go to the beach." and "I want to go to the gym" There are no more "we's" in my vocabulary. At least when it comes to the word "we" when it comes to talking about a relationship. Just so that you all know I really am starting to look forward to my future. I still have really hard moments and I'm sure I will for some time especially as the one year mark quickly approaches. The last few weeks I have also really began thinking about what I want to do with myself. The last several weeks I have been thinking about where I want my future to go and what I want my life to look like. I mean I've been looking at my life really hard. It's not the life I wanted or the life I would have chosen for myself, not by a long shot. However, I guess I have to try and make the best out of a really horrible situation. Otherwise I think I would go crazy. I don't have to like what happened to Shawn, our baby, or my life. I just need to learn to cope and deal with it in the best way. I would love more than anything to be in a relationship and have a great marriage again one day. However, at the same time I know that I will be just fine on my own.
Ok, I don't know maybe this doesn't make any sense to you guys reading. I don't know if this came a crossed like how I wanted it to, or how it sounded in my mind. You all maybe confused with all my, "We's", "ours", "I's", "liked", and "My's". I was just trying to explain how difficult it is to rearrange my vocabulary to reflect my life now. If you are confused with my words that is ok with me. I won't hold it against you :) It was just a thought I had in my mind and thought I'd try to share some more of my feelings with you all.
Thanks for all of your thoughts and comments. I'm loving reading and getting to know each of you.
22 comments:
Hey girl! I think its hard to get in the swing of saying "was" and "used to be"... I still catch myself saying "My dad IS" instead of "was" Its hard enough for me, I can't imagine how it is for you. (((HUGS)))
Makes perfect sense. I can't imagine, but I am amazed with your strength and honesty.
Take care and know in this journey there are a ton of people (that you dont even know) that are praying for you. Each and every step of the way.
Hope this time away is good for your soul. Good friends and laughter are so important.
I never thought about this. The "we's" and "ours" becomes such an automatic part of vocabulary when you are married. I can only imagine it would take awhile for that vocabulary to change.
Thank you for the sweet comment you left on my blog! It means a lot!
Take care :)
Your post made complete sense to me from the beginning Jen!
I know it must be hard changing the way you speak of things, but oneday it will come naturally. Just like before you met Shawn it was "You", "My" and those sorts of things but after you got married it was only a matter of time before you adjusted your vocabulary to "us" "our" and "we", right? It's going to be the same way now, maybe not as quickly though.
I want, and I'm sure Shawn wants, for you to find love again, and then there can be a "we" again.
I'm sorry if my comment didn't make any sense. Sometimes I know the things I'm thinking and want to say to you, but I can never type it out and make it sound right. And then there are time I don't know what to say at all, but I wish I always had the right thing to say. I just want you to know I read every post of yours, even when I don't find the words to comment, I'm here. :)
(((HUGS)))
Like everyone else said: the post makes complete sense. I'm sure I would be the same way if I were in your situation. It would especially be hard with all the things that you bought together.
You two were together for a LONG time, so naturally it's hard to go from the "ours" and "we" statements to the "mine" and "I" statements.
Try not to worry about if people look at you funny if you say the "wrong" thing - it might be no consolation, but maybe they just don't know what, if anything, to say.
You've done a great job in expressing how you feel, and I hope that you only continue to move forward.
It makes complete sense! I can only imagine how hard it must be to get used to a new term of vocabulary when your heart is still filled with memories of your old vocabulary. I love that you still use the "we" tense because, well, your husband will still always be a part of you. I think that over time it will become increasingly more natural to only say "I", but I wouldn't even think twice about it until then. You are so strong to be able to write about this. I admire you so much! I love that you mentioned you started running too. I bet it must be a great stress reliever and outlet. And a marathon? WOW! I am playing around with the idea of doing a half marathon. Let me know if you decide to train. I will train with you on my end! BLESSINGS!
Everything that you said makes sense. While not everyone will identify with the "we" to "I", I'm sure we all can identify with the present to past tense, if we've ever lost someone close to us. Just another step you're taking on your journey.
You have grown SO much since you became an "I". It sounds like along with thinking about things in the past tense, you're also starting to think about things in the future tense. I'm sure there will be bumps along the way, and maybe even a few times where you have to take a step back, or just stay where you are for awhile, but you're doing a great job making the best out of a situation that you didn't choose.
Ever though I haven't been through your situation itmakes perfect sense!!
Hey, this actually makes sense to me because when I lost my mom I realized I started saying things like she loved to do this, or she was this, or she did that, and it was really hard for me but it becomes easier. I'm thinking of you!
This post makes perfect sense. I know that I would be the same way if I were in your situation. I can relate as far as losing loved ones, it is so hard to talk about them in the past tense, it just makes it so real. I'll be thinking about you as the year anniversary approaches.
You are amazing and I have been here since I saw your comment on Angie's blog. Just don't always comment but I do think of you daily and wish you the best.
just as hard as it is to get into saying ours and us... i am sure it must be just as hard too go back to me and mine.. ugh! breaks my heart!! I cant imagine... just remember you are soo sooo strong..strongr than you give yourself credit! I can tell how strong you are just by reading your blog! Always praying for u my friend:)
Like all of the others have said, it does make perfect sense. It is tough to re-arrange your vocabulary without feeling your cancelling a part of your life, a very important & special part of your life. Your strength and grace shine blightly through your heartfelt words. I think tackling these kind of thoughts really shows how far you have come! Your much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Always praying for you! (((Hugs)))
It makes perfect sense. Josh will still sometimes refer to his mom like "my mom IS..." instead of my "my mom WAS.." I'm sure it'll take a while to adjust.
It sounds okay to me. I think with time things may change.
Couldn't have said it better myself! I totally got what you were saying & can relate somewhat.
I think you are an amazingly strong woman - Keep the faith!
you are the most amazingly stongest woman i have ever read about. my mother has always told me "time heals all wounds" i hope it does the same for you!
I can only IMAGINE how hard transitioning to "I" must be from "we"! Your post makes complete sense!
I know one day you'll be a "we" again though ;-)
I compare it to when I first got married. I had to transition to "us" versus "me." It took some getting used to.
It's a change of mindset. And for you, who had been with Shawn over 10 years, it will take some time to make the switch.
Hopefully, from those who care, you won't get any undue pressure to switch prematurely. It'll happen, when the time is right.
Makes perfect sense to me. Ignore any odd looks you may get. What do they know? They've never walked in your shoes (not that i'm ever wanting them to).
(((HUGS)))
Totally get all that.... im at week 24 without Randy......
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