There You'll Be

The last few weeks I have been starting to feel a little guilty. Guilty about "moving on' and about being and finding happiness once again. I have really been thinking what it will be like to truly love another man. Or will it even be possible to love another man like I loved Shawn. As painful as it still is everyday to live without Shawn I am starting to look forward to the future, even though that future is scary as hell for me to think about. I am not living the life I wanted to live at 31 years old. I never thought I would have to find happiness once again. I had it in Shawn and in our marriage and in our perfect little family of two and that is the only thing I ever wanted. Then on August 18, everything changed. My world as I had known it had come to a crashing halt. Now almost 9 months later I am really starting to look at my future and want to be happy again. I'm only 31 why shouldn't I be happy again one day? So with all of this thinking I have started to feel a little guilty about being happy. Shawn and I never talked about the "what if's". What if I died suddenly? What if he died suddenly? We never told each other to remarry..to live again...to have a family...to be happy. I know deep down Shawn would want me to be happy, that is all he ever wanted is for me to be happy. However, thinking of being wonderfully happy again one day makes me feel a bit guilty. Then last night I read my friend Sarah's blog. http://sarahschieber.blogspot.com/2009/05/funny-little-saying.html. Sarah and I have talked about this before but I think it was perfect timing for me to read about the guilt and about "moving on" As I read her blog last night I again got all teary, just as I had when her and I talked about falling in love again.

Well today I was at the gym working out. I was in the process of an uphill climb on the elliptical machine when I was getting sick of listening to my pop music. I switched my IPod to play Faith Hill songs instead and was jamming away when all of a sudden I heard a song that I had not heard in a long time. It was the song "There You'll Be" from the Pearl Harbor sound track. (the song made me bawl even way back then) I haven't heard the song since Shawn died. There I was on my machine really listening to the words while I was working out. As I listened the tears began to roll down my face. Yup, bawled my eyes out while I was working out in the gym. (That's got to be a new one) I was sweating so hard nobody could see me cry. I listened to the song the once and then I replayed it. This time I didn't cry but just thought about how true the words of the song really are. I'm including the video now so you can watch it and then i will type the lyrics after the video for those who don't want to watch.



"There You'll Be"

When i think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life

When I look back on these days
I look and see your face
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there you'll be
And everywhere I am, there you'll be

You know you showed me how it feels
To feel the sky within my reach
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me

Your love made me make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be

'Cause I always saw in you my light my strength
And I want to thank you now for all the ways
You were right there for me, you were right there for me always

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there you'll be
And everywhere I am, there you'll be

There you'll be

Ok...I hope none of you are crying right now. Making you all cry is not my intent. I just wanted to share with you my feelings and what has been on my mind lately.

I think just like when I read Sarah's post I needed to hear this song. I needed to hear that wherever I will be, Shawn will always always be a part of me. I was so grateful and so blessed to be with Shawn for 12 years and to be his wife for almost 8 years. Every step of the way Shawn was always there for me. I know that there will always be a place in my heart for Shawn for the rest of my life. Shawn always made me feel like I could do anything in the entire world that I wanted to do whether it was easy or hard...he always believed in me and never allowed me to give up. Shawn always told me the sky is the limit for my career and to follow my dreams. I do owe so much to Shawn. I really feel I am who I am today because of him and what he did for my life. I learned so much from him.

My favorite line is this song is " 'Cause I always saw in you my light and my strength". Since the moment Shawn died I knew I had to be strong or at least try to be. I have been amazed at myself with how I have handled everything that has happened to me the last almost 9 months. I thought for sure I would have caved and never left my room. Don't get me wrong I have had my days and I still do. However, for the most part I do have good days. I know my good days and how I have handled losing Shawn and our baby are contributed to the amount of strength that Shawn instilled in me. He made me as strong as I am and I owe him so much for that. I wish there was a way I could thank Shawn for all the ways he was there for me.

Maybe finding true love and happiness again one day is a way that I can thank him. Shawn taught me how to live and more importantly he taught me how to love. What a better way to thank Shawn than by getting to show another man what true love and living is all about. When the time does come for me to find true love I know I will be forever grateful to the man and to our life because of what I have gone through with losing Shawn. Maybe being truly grateful for life is just another way I can thank Shawn for everything he has done for me and for my life.

I love you Shawn, I always will and thank you.