A Good Weekend but With a Sigh

Well it's Sunday evening and I thought I'd share my weekend with you. All in all I had a good weekend. I laughed, had fun and enjoyed myself. However, even though I had a good weekend, it was still a weekend that left me with an empty feeling of sorts. You guessed it, that is where the sigh comes in.

Friday night I really didn't do much of anything. I started to clean my bedroom, but got overcome by some boxes that still needed to be unpacked and quickly gave up on the idea of cleaning. With that I got on the computer and messed around reading different blogs and spending or wasting time rather on Facebook. (that Facebook thing is so addicting) Not an overly exciting night but I did get caught up on some blogs and found several other new ones to read as well.

Saturday I was off to Holland, Michigan with my family to spend the day at the Tulip Festival. My brother and his girlfriend Erika live about 45 minutes from Holland so we met them at their house and then all went to the Tulip Festival together. I have never seen so many tulips, wooden shoes, or people dressed up in Dutch outfits as I did on Saturday. I had never been to the Tulip Festival before so I wasn't sure what to expect. Pretty much the entire town is dedicated to people of Dutch origin, wooden shoes and tulips. People were everywhere! When we first got there I started to feel a little anxious for some reason. I never used to get that way before, but ever since Shawn died I have a tendency to get slightly anxious when I get where there are lots of people. I really don't know why, but it happens, I think it is a grief thing. So for a while I walked a head of my family and tried not to get lost in the crowd. As we walked we saw what the Tulip Festival was all about. There was a carnival going on at one end of town, stands of food set up on almost every corner, Dutch people walking around in authentic Dutch clothes, a huge art show set up in the middle of town and a variety of spots where you could watch Dutch people dance and sing in their wooden shoes. When we first got there we watched a group of young children dance in their wooden shoes while singing songs in Dutch. I didn't understand a word they were saying but they did a great job for being as young as they all were.

After we watched the children dance we decided to walk through the exhibits in the art fair. My dad and brother were very excited about this (not!) There were tons and tons of different vendors there selling everything from artwork to soap. There was also tons and tons of people walking around as well. I couldn't help but notice all of the couples that were there together. Some we young adults, some were middle aged, some had children with them and some were old but they were all there with the person that they loved. I was happy seeing all of these people together and was happy for them, I really was, but at the same time it gave me this horrible empty feeling inside of me. Insert the sigh here. Yes, even though I was having a good day, a day with laughter I was also still feeling the pain of missing Shawn. Even though I was with my family and hundreds and hundreds of other people I have never really felt more alone as I did during parts of Saturday while walking around town and the festival. This is something that nobody can help me with, it is a feeling of loneliness and pain that I have to deal with on my own. Insert sigh here.

As we were walking in the art fair I began to smell it....the aroma of Kettle popped Pop Corn. This is one of my all time favorite snacks to eat at fairs or outdoor events like this. Anytime Shawn and I would go to an outdoor event like this Shawn would always buy me my own big bag. I would of course share with him, but would end up eating most of the bag on my own. I found the stand where they were making the Kettle Corn and I stood in line for almost 25 minutes to get my own big bag. Standing in line in front of me was one of those "happy/cute" couples. They were actually really sweet but I was having a hell of a time looking at them. Again, I was happy for them, I was happy that they had each other and happy that they could depend on each other. At the same time watching them made me miss even more all of those things that Shawn and I used to do for each other, it made me miss what I had just a short 8 1/2 months ago. It made me miss all of the great things about being married. The husband was standing in line letting his wife lean back against him, all while he was rubbing the small of her back. Shawn would always let me lean against him if we were standing in a long line for something. Insert sigh again. Once we all finally got up to the front of the line the couple turned and looked at me and told me to have a great day. I smiled at them and told them do to the same. Little did they know that while yes, I was having a good day it was now my "new" type of good day, not the type of good days that I used to love when at the end of a great day I got to crawl into bed next to Shawn and tell him that I loved him. However, when I got into bed last night I did tell Shawn that I loved him, but it wasn't the same. I had a great day and did have lots of fun and it was nice to do something different but there were many sighs during the day.

Since we were gone all day yesterday and due to the fact that Bo was up puking during the night (no more hot dogs for Bo) I decided not to go to church today. It did feel really good to sleep in this morning. Things were going great this morning until I came home from tanning. Then all of a sudden I was driving and I heard a little ding ding sound coming from the dashboard of my new car. My brand new 2009 car, the car with only 15,000 miles on it. I looked down and saw that both the ABS light and brake lights were on. Then all of the lights were on for the All Wheel Drive. I just sat at the stop sign looking at my dashboard in disbelief. What can be wrong with a brand new car. I tell you I just don't understand my luck. Insert another big sigh here. I came home and my dad reset the lights and everything seems to be fine, but I will be calling the dealership in the morning just to make sure. I tell you...I just don't understand my luck.

This afternoon however was an afternoon filled with hope. There were sighs as well, but they were the good type of sigh, the type of sigh that gave me hope and reminded me that I will be ok and happy again one day. Even though I have gone to concert's of Sarah's before I went to another one today. Sarah's new CD "The Long October Road" is being released on May 29 so she is doing several concerts in the city to promote her CD and to tell her story of grief, healing, hope and finding happiness once again. For those of you who have not read her blog please do so. She has so much to share and tells her story in such a graceful way. Oh and if you read her latest blog post you can even hear a little snip it of one of her new songs. http://sarahschieber.blogspot.com/

Over the last 6 months Sarah has become one of my dearest friends and like Jennie, Lora, and Meg she has been there for me on my hard days and has gotten several phone calls with me crying on the other end. Sarah gets it, she knows exactly how I'm feeling. For whatever reason and only God knows why Sarah and I share the same story. Both of our husbands died totally unexpectedly and we are left to live on without them, we were left to work through our grief and to find happiness again one day.

At 4:00 Sarah took the stage and began to share her story with the audience. Like I said she has told me her story, her and I have talked at length about it and I have heard her words in concert before. However, that still did not stop me from tearing up as she began her talk and started singing. The first song she sang today was the title track called "The Long October Road" I've heard the song several times before and I love it. As soon as I heard the first note of the song I got a big lump in my throat. Sarah sang a few more songs before she started telling her story...the story of the great life she had with her husband Chad...the story of Chad's death....the story of her grief...and the story of how she got to the place she is in today. Hey! Did you hear? Last Friday Sarah got engaged to an awesome man and they will be married in the middle of August!! Even though Sarah has suffered pain and loss that I truly hope none of you ever have to experience she has once again found happiness and is smiling a big smile once again. Sarah has been truly blessed by another wonderful man to love and who loves her right back. What an awesome feeling!! I'm so so happy for her. After sharing her story Sarah sang a few more songs off of her new CD. This is such a great and powerful CD and I've listened to it about a million times. The words to many of the songs really hits close to home for me.

After listening to Sarah's story yet again and listening to her sing it does give me the feeling and hope that I will get through this and that I will one day again be truly happy. Going to Sarah's concert this afternoon was a really great way to end a good weekend. Insert the good happy type of sigh right here!