Being Totally Honest

First off let me start off by apologizing for not writing for over a week. I don't think since I have started blogging that I have gone this long without posting. I wanted to write and post I really did. However, I had a rough start to last week and I tried several times to sit down and write about it, but the words just were not there, so I decided to wait a while and let my mind think a bit. During this last week I have gotten a ton of emails asking if I was ok and why I wasn't posting. I did read and comment during the week, I just didn't post anything myself. For all of you who sent me an email and were worried about me I appreciate it more than you know.

Second, this post is going to be long and it may even be confusing to many of you. Hell, it's my post and my life and it is confusing to me. So if you don't want to read any further I don't blame you. This is the post I talked about on Friday about it being "big". It's not big as in anything really exciting happening to me but it is very big...perhaps huge in content. This is the post where I'm not only being totally honest with all of you, but being totally honest with myself as well. Are you ready...?

I think last Monday morning may have been a turning point for me of sorts. My friend Jennie and I were instant messaging each other back and forth most of the morning. I asked her how her Mother's Day was and she told me. She then asked me how the day was for me. I told her that I didn't think the day was going to bother me. Then I told her I was very wrong and that it was not a good day. Going to church on Mother's Day was a big mistake and just set the tone for my mood all day. I was pissy, upset, and very short all day long, I'm almost 100% sure my family noticed. (Sorry guys) Jennie and I talked on the computer for a little while longer when all of a sudden she told me she was and had been worried about me. She told me that actually her, Lora, Teresa, and "T" had been worried about me for a few weeks now. I asked her why they were all worried about me because I was doing fine. Jennie went on to tell me that they all know I'm doing "fine", and that they are all still so amazed at my strength during the last nine months. However, she went on to tell me that they were all worried that I had become "stuck" during the last month or so. I was saying the same things, I was doing the same thing day after day and my blogs were starting to read the same. They were worried that I was not making any progress in my grief and that my day to day activities were starting to become repetitive. Jennie went on to tell me that she decided to say something because they all wanted to be able to help me and didn't want to see me take steps back instead of forward, even though these next steps maybe some of the hardest.


For one split second I was upset...I didn't want to hear that I wasn't progressing, I didn't want to hear I was stuck, I didn't want to hear my blogs were starting to be the same, and I most definitely didn't want to hear it was maybe time that I start looking for a job, or a hobby of some sorts to get me back out there and to allow for another "distraction" for me. For one split second I was upset...I was upset because they don't know what it feels like everyday to wake up with out your husband, they don't know how scary it is to have your entire life change in a blink of an eye, they don't know the pain I feel everyday because I miss Shawn more tomorrow than I do today. Then just as quickly I realized I couldn't ever in a million years be mad at any of them. They are my best friends and they are trying to help me get through the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. They only want the best for me. How could I be upset? Hell, Jennie has told me a few times that being with me that day in the ER was possibly one of the hardest things she has ever done in her life, that all she could do for me was sit on the couch and hold me while I cried after the doctor told us the news. It made me kind of think that maybe none of this is easy for them as well. So for that one second yes, I was kind of upset but I can honestly tell you it didn't last long. I know they all only want the best for me, they want to help me in any way that they can so I can truly be happy again one day, whatever version of happy I will have. Again, while talking to Jennie I realized how truly blessed I am to have such a great group of friends help me through this horrible situation. I swear if you guys are reading this I am NOT under any circumstances mad at any of you, I love you and thank you for everything you have done and continue to do for me.

Ok are you ready for me to be totally honest with you and myself now? Here it goes....

The first thing I want to share with you all is that what I have learned in 9 months is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. After going through this I will never judge another person on how they are grieving a loss. Grieving is a completely and totally individual experience. One person may grieve one way, while somebody else will grieve entirely different. However a person does what they need to deal with a death is what needs to be done. You have to grieve and feel what is right for you at that particular moment. It may be one way one day and another way the next, that's why it is called the grieving process. Grieving is a process and I will honestly tell you that dealing with the grief of losing a spouse is a full time job in itself. In one day you can feel so many different thoughts and emotions and that can be totally overwhelming. Your mind never stops processing what has just happened and that your life will never again be what you though it was going to be, you are always thinking about something. If you are reading my blog and have experienced a loss please don't let people tell you how to grieve or how to feel. Feel what you want when you want to. If you want to laugh one minute and then curl up into a bawl and cry four hours later that is totally fine...do that...feel what you need to feel. Sarah has told me from day one that you have to allow yourself to feel everything because without feeling all of those emotions you will not come out on the other side of the mountain and it will be a harder climb. At first I wasn't sure if I believed Sarah when she told me that, but now nine months into it I know it is true. You have to feel the feelings, all of them, even the ones that suck. I think I have probably cried and been upset more within the last month than I have in a long time. (more on that later) In the end just remember when a person is grieving the loss of a spouse, child or whomever there is no right or wrong way. You just have to be there to support them and give a little nudge when needed.

That being said, you want to know what? My friends are right and after really thinking about it I agree and must be honest with myself...I have become "stuck" the last month. I am dealing and I am processing but at the same time I'm not really doing anything if you know what I mean. I get up and I do the same thing day after day. While I have came a long way since September when I moved back to Michigan I know realize I need to take that next step and work on another part of the process. Let me back up just a bit. When I moved back into my parents house in September I did nothing...nothing at all..I would go two or so days without even taking a shower (gross I know). Part of the reasoning there was because frankly I think I was still in shock from losing Shawn, then I found out about the baby and I was scared to go anywhere because I never knew when the miscarriage would happen. After I had my D&C I did start going out but only for a little while at a time, maybe a short trip to the mall. The months of September through much of November left me sitting in my house watching hours and I mean hours of TLC's What Not to Wear. It was one of the only shows I could watch that wouldn't scream "Shawn" at me. So that's what I did, watched TV. December found me in a bit of a better place, that is when I started making my trips back and fourth to Youngstown and spending time with my friends, it is also the time when I woke up one day and realized that I did want to be happy again one day. It really did make me feel better being back with all of them. This winter I finally started doing things back here at home as well. I reconnected with an old high school friend, went out with Sarah and her friends, that have now become my friends, started tanning, and driving back and forth to Youngstown every three to four weeks and generally started getting out of my house more. These were all big things for me and great accomplishments since I was doing none of that during the fall.

However, I have become stuck and after really thinking about it I will also admit that. I really do the same thing day after day with a little variance's in times here and there. Jennie told me that they were concerned that I wasn't progressing and that I was just kind of idling. I told her that I really was doing ok, that they didn't need to worry and that I had already made up my mind I was going to go back to work after the summer was over. I told Jennie that I wanted to try to have "fun" this summer and I didn't want a job getting in the way of that. I wanted to be able to do things when I wanted to do them without having to worry about work. I also went on to tell her that not working right now was "easy" for me. I could have bad days when I needed them without an office full of people looking at me or I could be with my friends and have fun when I wanted to as well. I told her that everything else is so hard right now, losing Shawn is the hardest thing I have ever done and have ever had to deal with, my mind is constantly thinking and processing information that I just wanted it to be easy for a little while longer. I'm lucky enough to be in the position where I don't need to work at this particular moment. Then Jennie told me that they weren't necessarily talking about a full time job for me to jump into that maybe I should start to think of other things that interested me. Something that would give me a distraction of sorts on certain days. Something else to get my mind on.

As much as I hate to admit it to myself my friends are right. I am in a rut and I need to start pulling myself out of it. I think I need to take the next step in the process and do something that will not be easy for me. I need to get back to the point where I'm held accountable for something. I eventually need to get back to the point of being a "responsible adult" that contributes to society. I don't know really what this will be, a new hobby, a part time job, full time job or volunteering, but I do know that I need to start doing something about this and start digging my way out of the rut that I have been in. I think for starters I will just start looking for a part time "fun" job, perhaps somewhere where there is little stress. (does a job like that exist?) A little something where I can still do what I want during the summer for the most part, still have fun but at the same time slowly start working my way back into the working world. I'm also going to really start thinking about going back to school in the fall or winter semester. Maybe I will work during the fall, get some money saved back up and then go back to school in the winter. I know deep down I need to start working, I'm going to be 32 in November, I can't be living with my parents forever. Although living with my parents and sister has been wonderful and I'm extremely grateful that they offered their home to me I do at the same time miss having my own place with my own things. I also know now that I would be just fine living by myself in an apartment or small house. It would be an adjustment, but nothing harder than getting used to living without Shawn. I also know I need to start working for another reason and that is Shawn. I know he would have wanted to to take time off and deal with everything, but at the same time I bet he is starting to wonder when I will get off of my ass and do something again. So that is my "game plan" over the next few weeks I'm going to begin to look for some part time jobs that I could do. I really have a lot of my summer planned, but if I could find something that would be flexible with me until the fall I think that maybe like they said a good distraction for me and would ease me back into working.

Remember up above when I said I have cried more and been upset more the last month than I had in a while? Well again I hate to admit this but it is true. I really not been crying all that much. I'm not sure what but the last several weeks it has not been the case. I have been moody, short tempered, emotional and very very teary. Two weeks ago I was cleaning my room and opened up a box because I wasn't sure what was in it and it was Shawn's baseball glove. Seeing that dirty nasty glove had me in the floor crying. A few days later I had to get something out of a big tub marked "extra bathroom" I opened it up to see Shawn' deodorant and cologne staring back up at me. I took out the deodorant and smelled it, next I took the cap off of Shawn's cologne. I then sprayed it onto his t-shirt that I keep next to my bed. I was fine through all of that, then a hour later I went back into my room and it smelled like Shawn and I totally lost it. Called another one of my best friends Megan and just cried into the phone telling her how much I miss Shawn and that this entire things sucks. Last Monday after talking to Jennie I found myself over at Sarah's house crying on her doorstep. She simply gave me a hug and told me this...."You need to feel all of these things, the tears need to come out" Sarah also told me that she thinks that I maybe grieving harder know that I was before. Not that I wasn't grieving before, because believe me I was. I always thought it would get easier as time went on and to some extent it is, but then there are other things that are harder for me know then they were Shawn first died. I think the finality of it is really begining to set in and the fact that tomorrow marks nine months and the one year mark will be here before I know it. Again, just another way of how each person grieves in a different way.

What I do know is that I really do want to be happy and I do want to find happiness again one day. In what form that happiness comes in I do not yet know. Maybe I will find a career that I never thought I would do, maybe I will fall in love with a great man and still have a family. I really don't know what my future holds for me. Only time will tell and only God knows what the plan is for me. A line in one of Sarah's new song's "Wishin Time Away" says..."purpose in the pain" I have to believe and I try to think everyday for all the pain I have been through there is a purpose and once I figure out what that purpose is I will be happy again. I will tell you this, even though the last few weeks have been harder than others, I really am beginning to look forward to my future as scary and as uncertain as it seems right now.

So for now I ask you this. Over the next few weeks as I try to figure more of "me" out please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I'm going to do the best at taking the next step in this whole process but along the way I know I'm going to get a little scared and I'm willing to wager there are going to be more bad days ahead. However, with you all, my family and the best group of friends anyone could ever ask for I know I will make in through this process and will come out smiling on the other side.

There you have it...a totally honest post and if you stuck with me this long, thank you!