Very Happy to Help, But It Still Sucks!

I would have never imagined that I would be helping a friends mom through the sudden loss of her husband. Yet as life continues to throw curve balls to all of us that is what happily (if you want to say that) found myself doing last night. I'm happy to help her and will be there for her in anyway that I can, but it still sucks so bad.

Yesterday morning Ry and I got a call from one of his friends that nobody ever wants to get. He was calling to tell us that another one of their closest friends of theirs had suddenly lost his dad in the middle of the night. When Ry told me I of course felt bad for his friend and for his wife as they have become friends of mine since we have been going out. However, I instantly felt the stab of pain in my heart for his friends mom. I knew exactly how she felt and in the instant after we got the phone call I remembered how I felt after the doctors told me that Shawn did not make it. My heart just hurt for her and the pain that she was going through.

I have only met the parents of this friend a few times. The first being at their wedding a few months ago. I have also met them and talked to them at a few other gatherings that we have all attended. The most recent was at a party last Saturday where we were all at. Everyone was having fun, talking and healthy looking as can be. Even though I knew I really didn't know Ry's friend mom all that well I wanted her to know that I was here for her if she wanted to talk to somebody who knew exactly how she felt. When I called and talked to my friend, (Ry's friend's wife) I told her that I would talk to her mother in law if and when she thought she was ready. She asked if I would come over last night and see if I could help her in any way.

So, I went to their house last night. I at first went up to her and just gave her a hug and told her hello and asked her how she was doing. Stupid question right? I knew first hand how she was doing, no idea why I asked that dumb ass question. I knew she did not know what I had been through, so I had to wait until the right time to tell her. After a few minutes people left the deck and I found the two of us sitting alone. I figured the time was right. I told her that I didn't think she knew but before I met Ry I was married to a great man and that he passed away just two years ago. She just looked at me with this look on her face and said, "You?" I just sat there and nodded my head yes. Her husband died in a very similar way as Shawn and she was there with him when it happened so I told her what happened to Shawn. She gave me the biggest hug and just asked me over and over again. "What will I do next, how do you even begin to figure everything out?" I looked at her and told her she had to start slowly. I told her she had to take it an hour at a time, move to a day at a time, then to a week at at time and go from there. I told her that the pain never really goes away and that at two years I still miss and love Shawn. I told her however as time goes on you just figure out different ways to deal with the pain and I told her that as time goes on it will get better even though it does not feel like it at all. For a while we just sat on the deck holding hands. There was really nothing else to say....she knew I knew how she felt and that is all that mattered.

After a while I went inside and helped my friend put together some picture boards to be used at the funeral. Before long her mother in law joined us on the couch. She told me about all the pictures and what they were doing. After a while we again found our selves alone in the living room. She looked at me and just said, "I can't believe he is gone. Just 24 hours ago we were sitting in this living room together, happy, enjoying our life and now he is gone." I just looked at her, shook my head and said, "I know, it sucks and sucks bad." She looked at me, nodded her head and told me thank you. Her and I sat there in their living room for about the next half hour just the two of us talking. Ry and the other family members were outside. She asked me questions and I told her how I handled them and I told her what my grief was like. Next to losing Shawn it was probably one of the hardest things I've done. It is so hard to sit there, look a newly grieving widow in her face and tell her that as time passes it will be okay, she will be okay again, but it will suck and take time.

I helped get her ready for bed and before Ry and I left for the night I gave her a big hug and told her that if she needed anything at anytime to give me a call. I told her that I knew I didn't know her all that well, but that now the two of us had a connection, a connection that only two people who have lost their husband has. She hugged me tighter, told me thank you and told me that she had a feeling that her and I were going to become good friends and that she appreciated everything I did for her and then we sat there and had a few more tears before I left.

The next hurdle well at least for me will be the funeral. His funeral just happens to be at the same funeral home where Shawn was at and I haven't been to a funeral since Shawn's. Ry will of course be there and all of our friends, I know I can do it and I know I will make it through it but once again it is going to suck.

Ry and I are going back over to their house again tonight to spend time with the family. I never thought I would be helping a friends mom deal with the enormous grief of the loss of her husband. I will help her in any way that I can, but once again I sit here and wonder two things, why things happen how they do? and It's kind of amazing how people come into your life when you need them the most.