I can not believe that today is August 2! This summer has gone by way way way to fast and I really don't want it to be over. I'm so not ready for the cold, snow and gray weather that will be upon us before we know it. I'm such a summer girl, and not a winter girl at all.
As well as the end of summer August also means something else to me. To me August will always remind me of the month that my entire life changed. August 8, 2008 was the day I found out I was pregnant. Thing were great for ten amazing days. Then on August 18, 2008 everything changed in literally one heart beat. As many of you know that is the day Shawn died. My world was rocked, everything I had known came crashing down around me. I had no idea what I was going to do without Shawn. However, I knew I had to keep strong and keep going because of the baby. I made it through Shawn's viewing on August 23 and 24. Made it through packing up our house, and saying good bye to my friends and life in Ohio. Then on August 28 I got another blow. That was the day I found out that the baby did not have a heart beat and I was more than likely going to lose our baby. I remember thinking there was no way that could be possible. How could God, or why would God make me lose Shawn and then our baby?
As it turns out God had other ideas and another journey for me to take. Definitely not the journey that I wanted, but the journey I have been given and I think for the most part have embraced as my new life. I think I have handled everything that has happened to me the best way I knew and in the best way now as I continue on my new journey. I'm so grateful to have had Shawn in my life, if even for a short period of time. I have learned so much about my self since his death. Things that I would have never figured out about me and about life had this not happened to me.
Things with me and Ry are going really really well. I actually couldn't be happier right now. Today actually marks seven months that we have been going out! Once again I'm finally going to bed at night and waking up in the morning with a smile on my face. It feels good to love a man again and it feels so good to be loved back. Once again I'm blessed with another great amazing guy to love. How lucky am I to be loved by two amazing men?
Even though things are 100% amazing with Ry it still doesn't take away the fact that August sucks. It's a hard month and lots of emotions swirl this time of year. I can not believe that 16 days from today will mark the second anniversary of Shawn's death. I have NO idea what to expect on August 18. Last year I knew the day was going to be horrible, I was preparing myself for it to be. As I expected it was, and as usual the days leading up to August 18 were a little harder than the actual day. This year I just don't know what will happen or how I will feel. In a way I can kind of feel the panicky feeling that I had last year before a big day creeping back in a little bit. That is a feeling I haven't had in a long while. In another way I feel as if I will be able to handle it much better this year. I'm in a 100% completely different place this year than I was last year. Then again if the day isn't crazy hard for me does that make me a bad person? I'm just not at all sure how this August 18 is going to be. In one way I can see myself crying all day, but in another way I can see it being a hard day but dealing with it in a different way. I know I will go out to the cemetery how I always do on any big day. I will go out in the morning by myself and do what I do out there and I was thinking about maybe asking Ry if he wants to go back out with me at night. Of course only if he wants too and only if it is something he is comfortable with. (He has never gone out there yet with me) I know I will continue the tradition I started last year and I will buy myself a new UofM t-shirt in honor of Shawn. Other than those two things I really don't know what will happen or how I will be on August 18. I guess as of right now I'm just going to continue to take it a day at a time and see what happens. As usual I know with all the memories of Shawn I have, support of my family, friends, new friends, and Ry I will be able to get through the day as it approaches. But that still doesn't mean I have to like the month of August right? ;)
3 comments:
No, it doesn't make you a horrible person if the 18th isn't a horrible day. Like you said just take it one day at a time and you will get through it. I hope that as the day comes that you are filled with more sweet than sad moments. You were very lucky to have an amazing man like Shawn and you are doubly blessed to have Ry.
No you do not have to like August!! You have every reason not to like it.
You have come so very far!!!!!! I"m so glad to see you happy again. I"m so happy for you that you and Ry are doing great!!! :D)
I really enjoy reading your blog.
August must be so hard for you! But, it doesn't make you a horrible person at all if the hard days aren't, well, hard. That is all part of the healing process, and while those days will never be the same for you, they don't have to be difficult. They can be about remembering, memories and love. Thinking about you this month, you have come such a long way, thanks for letting us share in your journey!
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