Two Years Has Passed

Before I get to this post I want to say a HUGE thank you to those of you who left me such sweet comments on my last post. You all were so thoughtful. I also want to thank those of you who sent me texts, emailed, left me messages on FaceBook and called me on Wednesday. Once again I was shocked by the love and support of my readers. You all made a very difficult day not so difficult. Thank you for thinking of me and being there for me. I will say it again, the blogging world has some really great amazing people in it! So once again thank you for all the words and comments!

So as most of you all know Wednesday was the second year anniversary of Shawn's death. I have to be totally honest with you all and say it was not nearly as bad as last year. Last year the week or so before the actual day I started getting really nervous, and had this panicky feeling that really never left me. I didn't experience those feelings this year. Everyone kept asking me how they thought I would do and to again be honest I really didn't know how I would handle the day. I've learned in the last two years that the grief sometimes comes out of no where and sometimes the "big days" aren't the days where you feel it the most. I've also learned that you never know what emotions you will experience on any given day. Ry and I were talking on Tuesday night and he also asked me how I thought I would be. I just looked at him and told him I really didn't know, but that I was feeling okay about it. He said that maybe every year will get a bit easier and that maybe time does heal and that's why I was feeling more peaceful about the anniversary this year. If someone would have told me time heals last year I think I would have lost it on them. When the grief is that fresh and knew that is just not something you want to hear. It's true though and now at two years I do believe it. Time does heal, more than anything time gives you the means to deal with your grief in different ways.

Wednesday morning I woke up and just like two years ago it was a bright sunny day with a beautiful blue sky. It was like that last year as well. The second I opened my eyes on Wednesday I was fully aware of what day it was, but for some reason I didn't have that feeling of doom like I did last year and I was so grateful for that. I told Ry that I wanted the day to be as normal as possible. So I slept in a little, got up, got something to eat and then sat down on the couch to watch TV for a while. Then I turned on my computer, messed around on FaceBook and read a few blogs. Still feeling good about the day. Then I checked my email and noticed that I had an email from Jennie. Last year I swear to you she called me every hour on the hour to check on me all day long. It was so very sweet of her. Her email said that she had forgotten her cell phone so she wouldn't be able to talk during the day, but I was to email her if I needed anything at all. She told me she loved me and it was okay to feel however I needed to feel. She told me that it's okay to miss Shawn, to cry (which you all know I hate doing), and that she was proud of me for how far I've come in two years. Yes, you guessed it after reading that I got a little teary, she seriously is one of my best friends ever!

Almost as soon as I got done reading her email I got a text on my phone. Much to my surprise it was a text from Ry. Not that I was surprised that he texted me, because we text each other on and off all day, but I'm the one who always, everyday sends him a good morning text first, and then he will send one back. But on Wednesday he beat me. His text was so sweet, he wanted to know how I was doing so far and to tell me that he was thinking about me and that if I needed anything I could call him. He told me that he is always here for me and not to be afraid to talk to him, then he said he loved me lots and would see me after work. Well that text did it and after I read it I totally busted out crying. A sweet email from Jennie and a text from Ry was all it took. At that moment I just kind of felt a little overwhelmed and a bit emotional. I had two of the best people ever showing me their love and support. I knew Ry was going to be great on that day, he has all the other important days. But at the same time I wasn't sure if Wednesday was going to be weird for him. Once again, he stepped up was totally great the entire day and was amazing. I'm so lucky to have found a man who "gets" what I have been through and is supportive and understanding of it all.

After I had my brief crying sting, I got in the shower and headed out to the cemetery. On the way one of my other best friends Meg called to check up on me and see how I was doing. So we talked on my drive to the cemetery. Just like last year I took out a bouquet of yellow roses and placed them on Shawn's grave. I only stayed for about 10 minutes but I took that time and talked to Shawn. I told him that I missed him, will always miss him and will always love him. I thanked him for helping me become who I am today, I also thanked him for sending Ryan to me and told him that Ry treats me really well and that I thought the two of them would get along great. I sat there and told him that there is still this part of me that knows this is real but there is still a part of me that can't believe that it has been two years. Then for a while I just sat there in silence and thought about how much my life has changed in the last two years. I thought about how much my life has changed within this last year as well. I have done so many things in the last year that it's kind of mind blowing. (This is a post for another day) I sat there and thought and just sort of smiled to myself for living through the last two years. I've learned so much about myself that I would have never had figured out had all this not happened. Before I left the cemetery I again told Shawn that I loved him and thanked him for always watching over me.

After I left the cemetery I met my friend for lunch. (She lost her husband two weeks after Shawn died in an auto accident.) We had a great day, talked about how far we had each came and how we are now living our life, but keeping the memories of our late husbands alive. We laughed, we talked, and yes in the middle of the restaurant we both cried. It was so nice to be able to spend some time with somebody who totally gets every emotion you are feeling and is able to relate to everything you are going through. After our lunch I went to the mall to buy another UofM t-shirt. Remember last year when I did that. Well I decided that it was going to be my yearly tradition. Every August 18, I'm going to buy myself a UofM t-shirt. I think Shawn would get a kick out of this, and hey I get a new t-shirt out of the deal ;)

Later in the early evening we went to Ry's parents house for dinner. His entire family was amazing and all greeted me with a hug and asked how I had been. Ry's family is wonderful! After dinner we took the kids back to their mom's house and Ry asked if I wanted to go out or if I wanted to stay at home for the night. I told him that I wanted to go out. So with that we changed our clothes and met one of his friends for his birthday. We ended up having a great time, and laughed a lot. It felt good to laugh like that.

I talked to my family, friends and a few of Shawn's friends on and off all day long. I'm so blessed to have these amazing people in my life. Everyone was wonderful and totally supportive! All in all the day was not all that bad. I mean it sucked, and August 18 will always be a hard day, but it for sure was not as hard as it was last year. I don't know why either and that is something that I have questioned the last few days. Is it a bad thing that this year wasn't as hard? Have I gone on living to quickly? I've done what has felt right every step of the way so I don't really think that is it. Maybe because I have Ry in my life now and I'm in a totally different place than I was last year. Or maybe because it has been another full year and I have figured more of me out and have figured out ways and outlets to deal with the grief. Either way I'm grateful that Wednesday wasn't horrible. I'm actually kind of pleased that know I can mark this hard day with more smiles and memories than with tears and sadness. After all, this day is when Shawn died and we all know that, but I don't have to only focus on that. I can smile, laugh and remember the good times with Shawn as well.