On Easter Sunday something happened to me, well actually somebody said something to me and it's been on my mind ever since then. I wanted to write about it sooner, but I also wanted to share my Mexico trip with you all. Well, my trip to Mexico was a way funner (again, I'm not sure funner is a word, but I'm using it) post so it won out. However, my conversation with the person is still on my mind, so I figured tonight was the night to tell you all about it and get your thoughts.
So on Easter Sunday I was at Mr. X's Grandparents house for Easter dinner. By the way after not seeing Mr. X in 9 days it felt so great to be back with him and his two kids. I really really missed them while I was gone. Anyhow, we were at his Grandparents house for dinner. His sister (who I've gotten very close to), his Aunt, his Mom and two of his cousins were out in the kitchen messing around talking, while we were cleaning up the kitchen and doing dishes after dinner. Somehow our conversation turned to the topic of husbands. Mr. X's cousin then came over to me and her and I started up our own little conversation. I don't really remember what I said, but I said something about Shawn to her. She looked at me and asked me if I was talking about my ex-husband. She really is the sweetest person and didn't mean anything bad by saying "ex-husband" at all. I actually had thought that everyone in Mr. X's family knew that I was a widow, and had lost the baby, but she obviously did not know. For a second I was caught a little off guard, for a second I didn't know how to refer to Shawn. I didn't know what I should "call" him anymore. So at that moment I told Mr. X's cousin that Shawn was my husband and that he had passed away almost 20 months ago. However, after talking to her it really got me thinking...what do I call Shawn now? Is there a right or wrong "label" for him? Is there a time frame to stop referring to your dead husband as "husband"?
I mean really think about it. Don't put yourself in my shoes, I would never want anyone to go through what I have been through and walk in my shoes, but at the same time try and give it just a little thought. My best friend for almost 13 years, my husband for almost eight years died 20 months ago. What should I call him now? With each and every passing day I meet more and more people who know me as only "Jenny" and don't know me as "JennyandShawn", these people have no idea about the hell I have lived. You can't tell by looking at me that I was a widow at 30 years old. You can't tell by looking at me that I still think about Shawn multiple times every single day, or there are still times that I reach for my phone because I want to tell him something, and that I still miss him and love him. I'm living my life. I'm going on with my life and working hard at finding happiness once again (by the way things are going great with Mr. X, and I am happy) and I know that is to be expected, but at the same time it really makes me wonder how I should be referring to Shawn now, especially when I talk to people who may not really know me, or him.
Do I still refer to Shawn as my husband? The old part of me says yes, because in my heart Shawn will always be my husband. A piece of my heart will always, always belong to him. A part of me will always be his wife. However, at the same time calling Shawn my husband seems, I don't know, a little awkward I guess. Especially as my relationship with Mr. X keeps progressing. Yes, Shawn was my husband, but is he really now? According to the dictionary the definition of a husband is "a man with reference to the woman to whom he is married". Even though Shawn will always be in my heart and I will always love him, I actually don't have him here with me to call him my husband.
I'm not so sure calling him my husband is the right word anymore, and to be honest, as happy as I have been the last few months it really hurts to say that. It hurts not to call the only man I have loved most of my adult life not my husband, but I'm not sure his is anymore. I mean I don't even wear my wedding ring anymore, and I haven't in well over a year. I took my rings off last year when I first started seeing "T". At that time I felt that I was ready to date and I didn't feel it was right to date and still wear my wedding rings, so I made the decision to take them off. I have never put them back on since, even thought I actually didn't really start dating until only a few months ago when I met Mr. X. After I made the choice to take them off, it just never felt right to put them back on my finger. In my heart Shawn will always be my husband, he will always be the man that I loved and a man that I will always love, no matter what happens in my future, or if or when I get remarried but once again I'm not sure I can use the label "husband" anymore.
My problem now is that I'm not sure what to call Shawn and in no way possible do I want to sound like I'm betraying Shawn, or the love that the two of us had and shared for each other in our marriage. Trust me that is the last thing I want to do. Shawn and I truly had something special and our marriage was amazing and I don't want to short change that by any stretch of the imagination. Saying my "first husband" doesn't sound right, because to me that sounds like I'm either married again, or getting married, and well at this particular point in time that is not happening, or even close to happening. It feels even worse to say "ex-husband". To me, and this is only my opinion but "ex" refers to a divorce and in my no means was that Shawn and I. So I just don't know. I feel like I'm kind of stuck here. I'm not sure how to refer to Shawn anymore with giving him the respect, honor and love that he deserves, and that is an awful feeling. Not to mention a feeling I never gave any thought until recently.
I don't know, I tend to over think and over analyze most aspects of my life, always have, and probably always will. It's just how I am. Maybe this "label" thing is just something that I'm over thinking and I'm making it way more complicated that it should be. Maybe after reading this post you have no idea what in the hell I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm not using the right words to express what I'm trying to say. Maybe this made no sense to you at all. Or maybe this is something that you can't "help" me with because luckily many of you who read my blog have not gone through the death of a spouse.
Maybe how to refer to your dead husband is something that all widows face along their path in learning to live their new life again, and I'm not all that alone in my feelings on this. No matter what happens or how I refer to Shawn in my future I know the following..... At 20 months I'm happy and doing well, but I still miss Shawn each and every day. Shawn will always be with me and a part of my heart will always belong to Shawn. I will ALWAYS and FOREVER love Shawn.
22 comments:
Could you refer to him as your "late" husband?
I think Late Husband is a good term, or your "first husband". Because he was your first husband, (and always will be) but you are not divorced, which the "ex-" would imply. I am sorry you are feeling conflict with this, among all the other feelings and other things to deal with being a widow. . . I pray for your strength.
Gosh, that is a tough one. I think Erin's suggestion is good though. Using either "first" or "ex" definitely wouldn't be appropriate.
I wish you didn't even have to have those kinds of conversations. :(
As I was reading your post, the label "late husband" was in my mind and I see that Erin has suggested that. I think that sounds very appropriate. I am not sure why it is "late" but every adult understands that context.
I would have to go with the others--"late" husband does two things: 1) shows the affection and due respect to Shawn and 2) informs the person without you having to go into huge details.
This was such a sweet post. I don't think you can go wrong, whatever your heart calls him is perfect. I agree with those above, though, that late husband may start to come naturally. I am SO happy to hear you are doing so well! HUGS!
I agree with "late husband".
((hugs)) I've not been in your shoes, but I think whatever you choose to call him is perfectly fine. I don't think I'd use "ex" as the other's said because you weren't divorced.
My "first" husband died after we were married about 8.5 years. We had 2 kids together that were almost 5 and 18 months old when he died. I remarried and have been married for 29 years to my "second" husband...who also adopted my kids because they were so young and he raised them. I have always remained very close to my "first" husband's family and they accepted my "second" husband which was great because we were raising their grandchildren. I usually refer to my "first" husband as that if I am talking to someone who didn't know him or by his name to family.
Hugs,
Susan from California
One more thing...I think "late" is also a good term to use.
I agree with all the others, "late" husband is a term that is pretty much well understood everywhere.
Glad things are going so well with Mr. X.
Thirteen years ago today, my husband had a massive heart attack and died. Just like that. I do refer to him as my late husband, or my husband who went to heaven. :o) You would think that after 13 years, I'd be past a lot of this grief--and normally, I handle this day very well. Today, I've cried more than I have in a long, long time. I was 40 when I became a widow, and I absolutely HATE that word. It reminds me of a spider. :o) Hope this helps you out. I read your blog faithfully.
I have to agree with the others. I think Late Husband is appropriate. My dad refers to my mom as his late wife as he is remarried now. I can see and understand why this would be such a difficult thing. I am so glad to hear you are happy! You've come a long way in 20 months!!
This is a tough one, Jen. I honestly don't know what I would say/do in your situation. I guess you could say "late husband" like the others said, but for some reason that just sounds very old to me. I'm also wondering, did his cousin actually not know the circumstances with Shawn and the baby?
Hi, I don't know you but somehow ran across your blog. I love reading it and LOVE to see a new post. I LOVED your 30 days of blogging!!! Interesting and tons of fun reads.
I can genuinely tell that you and Shawn had a GREAT marriage and loved each other very much. I think that you definitely portray that love even though you are forced to move on and "love" again!
I don't think there is any wrong answer because you know how much Shawn means to you. But, if I had to pick one, i would definitely go with "late" husband. Because 1st and 2nd husbands doesn't make it clear. Ex husband is definitely out of the question. He is NOT your ex.
LATE is the winner it seems!!!
THANKs for writing and expressing your feeling. You are such an inspiration!
LaDawn
I agree with Pocketfull of Pink. I think you should call Shawn by whatever "term" it is that you feel most comfortable with. He is your husband, and will always have been your first husband.
I agree that 'late' would work and is commonly understood among many people. I also agree that 'ex' does not sound right and does not portray him correctly in your life.
I'm glad you are doing so well and that things are good with Mr. X!!! Blessings on you!!
I agree with pretty much everyone else that calling him your late husband will help people to understand what he is to you. You didn't chose to be separated from Shawn so calling him your ex definitely wouldn't fit. Also, maybe if you get married in the future calling him your first husband would work, but it doesm't seem to fit right now.
I say, late husband. That works for me. People know he has passed. I would hate for people to assume we broke up by using the term, first, or ex. LATE husband shows we are no longer together due to death and no other reason.
KEEP BELIEVING
what an amazing and hard post for sure. I have to agree with other who have posted and say, "late husband" I would have never thought of that. That term or label would be fitting for sure..
I am so happy for you because I have seen you grow since we have met. I am very proud of you and I am very happy you met a nice man who looks like my Kenny.. Amazing..
I lost my husband suddenly when he was 51 and I was 47, that was almost 6 years ago. I still think of him as my husband....and always will. Sometimes when people ask me questions of whether I'm married I will say 'my husband passed away'. For some reason I don't use the word 'late'. It seems like I can usually change the words the person is using and use the 'passed away' phrase.
I also agree with another comment....I strongly dislike the word WIDOW. It makes me seem extremely old (of course compared to you I am:-)
Just giving you my thoughts
Karen
Before reading the comments my first thought was, "my late husband." (huge hugs, I know every turn must be hard) -kriss
So many good points are brought up here.
You are amazingly resilient. I really admire your positive attitude towards the future.
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