We Call it the YoYo Effect

Hi friends, so so sorry that it has been a week again since my last post. I have no real reason for my lack of posting other than I have been busy. I hope I haven't turned too many of you off to reading The Tale of Two Coins with my scattered posts. I guess I'm still trying to get the hang of this entire girlfriend, working more, and not sitting home as much thing down. Please forgive me...I need you all right now.

Well, yesterday I had a day, not a horrible day, but a pretty crappy day none the less. A kind of day that I used to have all of the time and was starting to worry that I was going to get used to having them, but a type of day I've been blessed enough not to have had in a long time. I could kind of feel it brewing inside of me, all the many different types of emotions being stirred around inside of me. Sadly, I've been at this grief thing long enough to feel when it's coming on but because things have been going so well for me the last few months I think I just tucked all the yucky feelings away and hoped that they would make an appearance. Well, I was wrong! Just like it always has since the day Shawn died, and probably always will the grief bug jumped out and bit me in the butt.

Late Sunday night I stood in Mr. X's drive way and we talked about the great weekend that we had. We kissed good night and told each other we would see each other tomorrow. I guess you all need some background information here. For the last month or so I have had a few sleep overs at Mr. X's house. I have never once felt any guilt at all about sleeping at his house, in his bed with him. Since the first night I stayed with him it has felt right, safe and very comfortable. That's how I figured our relationship was a good thing, because it felt right and there was no guilt. So on Sunday we stood talking and kissing in his driveway. We said our good nights and then I got into my car and started to drive home. All of a sudden it hit me, an overwhelming empty sad feeling. It just kind of washed over me. Well, at that moment I didn't feel like breaking down so I put a "happy" cd into the radio and jammed away, tucking the yucky stuff down just a bit more. (From day one I've been told that tucking your feelings away is a bad thing, and I agree with that and know that, but I'm stubborn and didn't want to deal with it then, so I tucked them away) When I got home I did a few things in my room and crawled into bed. Once again I felt sadness.

Then it hit me...I was feeling sad because I'm getting used to being with and sleeping next to Mr. X. I'm was getting used to falling asleep in his arms, waking up next to him, having him kiss me good bye in the morning, and getting used to telling him "see you later" At that moment I realized I was laying in and falling asleep in my big "empty" bed. A bed that Shawn and I shared for so many years, but now it was just my bed. It really over came me as a strange feeling. I went from sleeping in my bed with Shawn every night for 10 years, to hating being in my bed right after Shawn died, to learning to fall asleep and wake up alone every morning and night, to after a year almost getting used to sleeping alone, and now to all of a sudden not wanting to sleep alone because I want to sleep next to Mr. X. Explain to me how that happens! I'm not sure why but on Sunday night I was baffled by the whole idea of it. I mean how can I miss sleeping next to Shawn, get used to sleeping alone, and then wanting and feeling the need to sleep next to another man! Can we say confusing?! So, with that thought running around in my mind I tired to go to sleep. Boy, did I try, but sleep was just not happening for me on Sunday night. At one point I wasn't even thinking about anything, I was just laying there staring at the ceiling. The last time I looked at the clock was 5:00 a.m. I slept like a baby from 5:00 to 5:50 when my alarm went off. Go figure!

I knew as soon as I woke up Monday morning it was going to be a shitty day. I was sooo tired, which is never good for me, but then as I stepped out of bed I stepped on the plastic part of Bo's collar and it frickin' hurt. Great! At that moment I told myself that i knew it was going to be a shitty day, and to just let it happen, because in the end I knew I would feel better. And a shitty day it was. I think I felt about every human emotion known to man yesterday. I was happy, sad, excited, overwhelmed, angry, and depressed all at one time. Oh yeah, I also cried on and off for a good hour in the morning. Too make matters worse I was at work (I babysit a 5 and 3 year old) I was trying not to cry because I didn't want to upset the kids. The three year old little girl kept telling me, "Don't cry, you want me to kiss it?" Huh, that only made me cry harder.

As it turns out I wasn't the only one having a difficult day yesterday. Remember the post about my three friends who are young widows as well? Well, two of them had a crappy day yesterday too. So the three of us met for dinner and drinks. We talked about so many things last night, we talked about dating (each of us have started dating again), death, love, our futures, our husbands, and about grief. At the end of our conversation we came to this consensus about grief. Number one, it's like a disease that you have to get used to living with because it's never going away. At over a year and a half I like to say it doesn't get easier because it doesn't, but rather you just learn to live with it in a different way. Nothing about losing your husband or the grief that it brings is easy. The second thing we said is that grief is like a yoyo. It pulls you up and down by it's string when you least expect it. You can be going about your merry little business and all of a sudden the string is being pulled up, and there you are dangling in the air again, feeling a million emotions at the same time. The three of us also figure that it will be like that for some time to come. Yes, we are all living our lives again, we are all dating people, working our jobs again, learning and finding a new happiness, and even looking forward to our futures once again. We have all accepted what happened to us...our husbands died and our life and our future changed in an instant. Our future's are scary now because we have all lost that since of security that our husbands brought us. We have all accepted and dealt with that, however at the end of the day we each which that things could be "normal" again and that we could have what was instead of what is. Last night all three of us said that we have come worlds away from where we all were a year ago, but at the same time we also each said that we would give just about anything to have our husbands hold us and tell us everything was going to be ok again. The thought of Shawn holding me and telling me everything will be ok would be about the best thing right now. For now, I can still feel Shawn with me, I know he is helping me each and every day and for that I'm grateful.

Aside from the fact that I was just plain tired yesterday I think a lot of my issue yesterday was brought on by my relationship with Mr. X. Things are going GREAT!!! I'm actually amazed at how well things are going. I talk about Shawn with him and he gets it, he wants to be able to help me when I have crappy days. We spend lots and lots of time together and we get along so well and have a lot of the same interests. Like I've said before, I almost feel like in a way Shawn hand picked him for me. However, it's still a new relationship and all new relationships take time before they turn into a great relationship. For me it's kind of hard being the "girlfriend" instead of the "wife". I'm used to being the wife, it's who I am, it's what I know how to do, and being a wife is always what I've wanted to be. Being a girlfriend is totally different and i must admit it's taking some getting used too. I don't want to come a crossed too "wifey", but at the same time, I know I can offer more than your typical girlfriend. If that makes any sense at all. So for me it's kind of like a balancing act, like I'm trying to find a happy medium. Mr. X tells me all the time that I'm doing great so I'm going with that and trusting in the fact that it will all work out.

I also miss all those special moments you share with only your husband. Like the secret little jokes that only the two of you understand. The looks that you flash each other, that only the other knows about. Myself and Mr. X have started to have a few of those moments, but they still aren't the same as the moments I had with Shawn. I know they won't be, and I don't expect them to be, but at the same time..I miss those types of moments. I know as time goes on and as Mr. X and I develop our relationship more and more of those moments will happen for us. My relationship with Shawn developed over time and over years. I can only expect that my relationship with Mr. X will do the same.

So there you have it...why we call grief the yoyo effect. You can be happy one minute, and down the next. You feel so many emotions at one time it's hard to know which way is up from time to time. Grief is like a yoyo...pulling you by the string and leaving to to dangle for a while, then the string is released and everything is good. Until the next trigger and the string (grief) pulls you up again.