Uncertainty

Woah....stop the presses, a post on a Thursday night. Kind of uncommon for me lately, but I wrote the post out in my head and on paper first, so it was nice and quick for me to sit down at the computer. This post maybe a little all over the place so please forgive me. I tried hard to stick to the point, but I'm not sure how great of a job I did at that.

For the last few days I have been filled with so much doubt and uncertainty. There is no real reason for those thoughts and feelings, I just have them. Things I think are going great with Mr. X. My only wish is that he would communicate and open up with his feelings a little bit more. Then again, I'm a girl who speaks and talks about my feelings freely, probably a little too freely at times. Obviously, Mr. X is a guy and who all know that guys don't typically open up all that easily. Add onto it the fact that he was the one hurt in his marriage, and I think now he is afraid to have feelings again, let alone talk about them. I think that is where the doubt comes in. I know he "likes" me. I just don't know how much, I have an idea, but it's not like it has been expressed to me in words all that often. I mean after all I'm a girl and I need a little reassurance from time to time. It's also a little nerve wracking for be because I can feel myself falling in love with him more and more. I can feel myself for the first time in my entire life starting to fall in love with another man other than Shawn. Notice how I said "falling in love", not actual love as of yet. I'm going slow with these feelings, but I know they are starting to appear.

All of this and these emotions leave me filled with doubt and uncertainty. Even when everything seemed as though it was falling apart Shawn would hold me and make it feel like everything would all be okay. That is something I think only a husband can do for a wife, and a feeling I long to have again. My friends and family have been there every step of the way for me, and they have all told me that I and that everything will be okay once again. But somehow in my mind it is just different coming from your husband.

I know that life is filled with doubt and uncertainty. I also know that we all experience these feelings from time to time during our life. However, I think its different for me. My life has so much uncertainty in it, nothing in my life is the same as it was then. When Shawn was alive I at least knew that no matter what happened I would have him and we would always be there to love each other and to support each other. At the end of the day we had each other, and I can't say that now. When you are married you get to look forward to your future, you get to look forward to growing old together and facing all of life's challenges together. I think in a lot of aspects of this allows for comfort, security and certainty versus the uncertainty I'm facing. Again, I can say that because I no longer have it.

Before Shawn died I was a very scheduled, routine and almost rigid type of person. I hated change and anything that dealt with change. If something unexpected happened there was a good chance it would flip me out. I wasn't a big fan of change and figured if I could schedule or "control" things my life would be more certain and secure. Or at least that's what I thought, and would tell myself. But I still had Shawn, the security and certainty of our relationship and marriage, and at the end of the day that was all I needed to rest easier.

Then August 18, 2008 hit and the sense of security and certainty was ripped away from me in literally a heartbeat. The hopes, the dreams, my future, my security, my certainty, everything slipped away that day and I was literally scared to death. Now, 19 months later a lot has changed. I've learned to go with the flow a little bit more. I've learned not to schedule every aspect or moment of my life. A part of me feels there is no real use in planning too much, because things will more than likely change. Don't get me wrong, I still have a calender and I still plan things, I just try not to be so rigid in it.

I have come a long ways in the lat 19 months. I'm actually proud of myself for how far I've come, especially when I didn't know I even had it in me the day Shawn died. I can remember in the months after Shawn died it was a big deal if I took a shower. Now, I'm gone all the time and the fun and happiness has started to return. For that I'm grateful.

However, at the end of the day I'm still finding myself almost drowning in doubt and uncertainty. Not so much doubt, but rather uncertainty and I hate that feeling. I don't like the unknown, but unfortunately my life is full of unknowns for me right now. I really am looking forward to my future, but I'm also extremely uncertain what my future holds. Before I knew my future was being Shawn's wife, a pre-school teacher and a mom. Now my future is wide open and could be anything. Maybe I will never get married again, maybe I will. Maybe I won't ever have kids, maybe I will. I'm willing to wager I will more than likely have a different job, but even that I'm not totally sure of. At least when Shawn was alive I could go through all of this with him by my side. when he was alive I didn't really worry or think about it because I knew we would just face it and figure it out together. That is such an amazing, special and awesome feeling to have that great of a connection with your spouse and I miss that so much.

Things really are going great with Mr. X. I have no reason to doubt, feel insecure or uncertain about anything. Yet, I do. How and why does this happen? I really think it's because I can feel myself falling in love with him, and his kids. Our relationship has moved rather fast, but at the same time it has felt good, safe, great and very comfortable. Mr. X is so supportive of everything dealing with Shawn and for that I can not be happier. He has given me no reason to feel uncertain about anything. Yet, I do. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm scared that something is going to go wrong and I'm going to wind up hurt. I'm also pretty sure it's because I tend to over think and over analyze everything! I've always been that way, and I've always been a worry wart.

I know what I need to do. I need to stop worrying, stop over thinking and stop over analyzing. I know as well as anyone life is too short, you need to live and be happy like each moment is your last. I'm trying to make my own advice I really am, but it's hard. It's especially hard because Shawn and I had such a great relationship and marriage. Dating after 13 years and being in a new relationship is great and it's awesome and fun figuring out the "new" of the other person. However, it comes with a lot of uncertainty. there is nothing there "tying" us to each other. Either of us could "walk" at any given time. A new relationship breeds uncertainty that I'm must not used too. I don't think it's a bad thing, all new relationships take and need to to grow and become great.

There have been many times when I've thought it would be easier to just be alone and not date anyone or be with anyone again. I've learned a lot about myself since Shawn died. Maybe I would be okay alone, it would sure as hell beat getting hurt again. However, at the end of the day I know being "alone" is not for me. I need to feel the warmth, love and security from a man who loves me back and I also know I want that again.

For now I'm just chalking all of these feeling up to another stage of grief. Things are going good and I'm happy, but it's still not the same and it's still not what was, nor will it ever be the same again. I need to take my own advise and stop to enjoy the moment. I need to stop over thinking and over analyzing everything. I need to remember that just about every aspect of life is uncertain and there are risks in everything. I need to stop worrying about and thinking about tomorrow, next month, and next year and focus on living for today and for today only. I know all of this, but it's hard to stop looking ahead when that is what you do when you are married, but I'm going to try.

If you made it this far in this long rambling post, thank you. I'm still not sure if i got my thoughts or feelings out how I wanted them, but it helped to get it all out, so I guess that is what counts. Thanks for reading and for all of your continued support and prayers.