Making Room For Two

You would think that after a year and a half that I would know and expect that the emotions surrounding grief and the roller coaster of grief can sneak up and bite you when you least expect it. Yes...I do know that and I've come to expect that sometimes it is the small things that cause the tears to well up in my eyes and then flow down my cheeks. What I didn't realize was that now the "happy things" can cause a flurry of emotions as well. Last Friday morning was no exception, it was a little small thing that had me crying on the phone to my friend, not understanding what the hell was going on.

I woke up on Friday morning and was in a great mood, woke up smiling and everything. I had a great afternoon planned and knew that I was going to see Mr. X (that's what I'm going to call my new guy from now on) later that night. In fact Friday afternoon I was going out to lunch with his sister and was very much looking forward to that. Anyways, I woke up happy and I have to say, waking up happy, with a smile on your face is so much better than the alternative of waking up sad and with puffy eyes from crying. I got up and started my day, went downstairs, got something to eat, turned on the radio and then hopped on the computer for some Facebook time, and to catch up on blog reading. All of a sudden I heard Shawn's all time favorite song on the radio. I can now listen to music that he liked with a smile instead of crying over it. In a weird way I think it's Shawn's way of saying, "Hi" I did just that sat at the computer and smiled when I listened to it. A few minutes later I got up and changed the radio station and then all of a sudden I heard a song that a Mr. X sings to me. Again, it made me laugh and brought a smile to my face. This was the second time in one week that I had heard a favorite song of Shawn's followed moments later by a song Mr. X signs to me. Odd...a sign?? I don't know.

After that song was over and I realized I was smiling and then" it" hit me like a ton of bricks, and then the tears started and I didn't stop crying for a good hour or so. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose it was time, I hadn't cried like that in months, but at the same time it felt weird to be sitting there crying when I woke up so happy. I was sitting there thinking in the chair to myself "what the hell is your problem?" "You are happy and woke up in a good mood...stop the crying" but I really couldn't stop the tears. It was an odd feeling to remember a song that Shawn used to like so much...that meant a lot to us, while at the same time remembering a new moment made with another man within the last month.

Have I mentioned before that grief sucks? It does! Have I mentioned before that it comes out and bites you when you least expect to? It does...and I still at a week shy of 18 months I don't like it!!

I knew Meg was home so I called her because I knew she would be able to bring me back to reality. I told her about the songs and about how it was the second time that had happened during the week. I told her that I was so happy with Mr. X and that I was starting to have feelings for him more than just "liking" him. She first told me that it was okay to cry, and to have a hard moment. She reminded me that I hadn't had a crappy day in a really long time. Then she told me it was totally normal to feel that way. To have the new feelings of happiness while at the same time remembering the good times I had with Shawn. She told me that I was living and going on living my life, while another chapter of my life was closing. She was right. It was kind of I was stuck in the middle. I know I can't go back to what was...that is impossible, but the thought of what is, or what could be is great and exciting, but at the same time nervous and scary. She also told me that I've had a great time with Mr. X and that things are going well and we are moving forward and that my heart is just getting ready to let him in more. I kinda laughed a little because Jennie had told me the exact same thing earlier in the week. After talking to Meg for a while I finally stopped crying and realized I was being kind of silly and that I should just take a breath and relax. I did and I was fine and great the rest of the day.

However, after talking to Meg and after playing the statement "my heart is just getting ready to let him in more" I was instantly thrown back to a conversation I had with Sarah early last November. She had just passed the one year mark of her husband's death and I was quickly approaching the three month mark of Shawn's death. I remembered we met at Starbucks one morning for coffee. I was having an awful day and just couldn't stop crying...at a year she was having an awful day as well. We got our coffee and sat down and cried with each other for a bit. Then we got talking about falling in love again. At a year she had not started dating, but had begun to have thoughts about it, and falling in love again was about the farthest thought from my mind, but we still talked about it. I asked her two questions. 1. Did she think it would be easier or harder to fall in love again and 2. How could it be possible to let another man into your heart and love them the same way that we loved our husbands?

With tears in both of our eyes she answered with the following response. She told me that even though she had not yet found love she was thinking that it was going to be easier to fall in love again than she originally thought. She went on to say that she felt this way because she knew how great her marriage was, she knew how to love, and she knew what she once had. Although, it would be different and a different kind of love she thought falling in love would be easier and that she would love more deeply and passionately because she knew exactly what it felt like to have that love ripped away in a heartbeat. At that time, I didn't feel the same way. In fact having those feelings of love for another man was about the farthest from my mind. I wanted to believe and trust her words, but I just didn't know if I would ever be able to love somebody ever again. Now at a year and a half later and dating a great, wonderful man I can totally see how she was feeling and why she said what she said. Don't go getting all crazy on me here...I know it has only been a month since I've been seeing Mr. X. I'm not the person who throws the "L" word around like it's nothing. But I will tell you all that I do have more feelings for him that "liking him". However, I'm being careful and not rushing into anything but now I can see why Sarah said what she said.

In response to my second question...How could it be possible to let another man into your heart and love them the same way that we loved our husbands? Sarah told me that I will never love another man the way I loved Shawn. That the love we shared was special to us and only to us. She then told me that the only way she could relate loving another man was to that of adding another baby to a family. She told me that when you are a parent and have only one child, you love them with your entire heart and soul....they are the center of your world. Then one day you realize you are going to have another baby. People wonder how they could love another child how they love the first. Then she told me that once the baby is there, your heart just grows and makes room to love that second baby. As she is telling me this I remember just sitting there both of us crying. Sarah told me that is how she imagined falling in love again would be. Your heart would just grow to let that new man in. At the same time still allowing my heart to have room for Shawn. A place in my heart that will always and forever belong to Shawn. Again, when she was telling me this I wasn't sure if I believed it. It was just a piece of knowledge that I held onto and tucked away in my mind. At three months into my grief process there was no way I could love somebody. But now...maybe.

Both Jennie and Meg told me that they can tell that there is something special between Mr. X and myself. They can tell a difference in my voice. I have no idea what will or will not happen between us. Things are going fast, but at the same time I'm being smart about this and not getting too ahead of myself. However, I think part of the reason that I had such a hard time on Friday morning after hearing both songs on the radio is because I can feel my heart starting to make room for Mr. X. In a matter of minutes I was able to remember a great memory I shared with Shawn, and then minutes later be reminded of a new memory with a new man. I can feel my heart making room for him, while at the same time still loving Shawn...a love that will always be there. I will tell you it is such an odd feeling to feel your heart grow to let another person in, especially when you had the love of your life. It amazes me that I'm able to have these feelings or the start of these feelings when a year and a half ago I never ever thought I would be able to have these thoughts and feelings with another man.

There have been many emotions during this last month. So far 2010 has been a great year, a year so far filled with hope and happiness. This relationship is still new, a little nerve wracking, but at the same time it just feels so right, great and wonderful. Like I said I have no idea what will or will not happen in the future. Life is a journey that we live every day, but I will tell you...that I really do feel like my heart is starting to make room for Mr. X. It's a little scary but wonderful and amazing all at the same time.