18 Months

Wow...look at this two posts in one week, let alone a post on the weekend! I don't usually post on the weekends because I know everyone is busy, but I had a few extra minutes this morning and thought what the heck...lets sit down and write.

Well, this past Thursday I passed another milestone in the grief process. A milestone that I thought I was never going to get to the day Shawn passed away. Thursday marked 18 months since Shawn had passed away. A year and a half since the day my life changed literally in a hear beat. In many ways August 18, 2008 seems like just yesterday, and in so many other ways it seems life a lifetime ago. There are very few aspects of my life that are the same today and they were on that day. In a year and a half I've learned so much about myself, who I am, and the person I want to be. I hate to say this, but I really believe that these are all things I would not have figured out had Shawn not died. It really does take a life altering, or in my case two life altering events to change the outlook on one's life.

A year ago at this time I made my first good memory without Shawn. That happened when I went to Ohio for the week, spent time with both Jennie and Lora. The weekend of Valentine's Day we had a huge Un-Valentinen's Day party at Jennie's house. It was soooo much fun, and that night I remember really laughing and having a good time for the first time since Shawn had died. I remember thinking that it felt weird to be having so much fun so soon after his death, but it was also so great to laugh and smile again. That week was great and like I said I made my first good memories during that week.

However, as soon as I returned home I also began to face the overwhelming feeling of grief. Six months later it was smacking my square in the face. Don't get me wrong, I felt grief in the hours, days, weeks, and months after Shawn died but for some reason it hit me hard during months six through nine. At month six I was finally starting to come out of that "numb place" and I was starting to realize this was my life. A life without my husband and our baby, a life that I had NEVER asked to live, but was finding myself living. I also really think I was trying so hard to be strong for everyone else, I didn't let myself feel what I needed to feel early on and six months later it was all starting to come crashing down around me. For me months six through nine were the worst in the grieving process. I cried more during those months than I did early on, minus the immediate few weeks after Shawn's death. During that time I was figuring out how to live without Shawn, and that brought emotions I just wasn't expecting to feel. There were times during those months were I really didn't know if I could do "this". I never had any "crazy" thoughts or anything like that. I just felt like I didn't know if I would ever be happy again. I also didn't know if I wanted to be happy again. I mean, I knew deep down I wanted to be happy again, but the thought of being happy without Shawn was just so much to take in at times.

A year ago this week was also when I made the decision to take off my wedding rings. For those of you who didn't read my blog early on I started this process slowly. I would take them off for an hour or two while I was at home. Then I would take them off and run to the store, then one night I decided to take them off while I slept at night. For a person who never, ever took off her wedding rings it was a very strange, unsettling feeling. I can't tell you, what really made me decide to take off my rings, but it was just a feeling that I had. After about two weeks of gradually taking my rings off I decided I was ready. I took them off and set them on the shelf next to Shawn's wedding band. It felt really odd, and there were many times I found myself looking at my empty ring finger, but I knew in my heart I had made the right choice to take them off. The rings sat on the shelf next to Shawn's necklace, his glasses, and his sun glasses. At the time it was comforting to me to have my rings on a shelf next to Shawn's items.

Now fast forward with me to present day. A LOT has changed in my life since this time last year, heck, a lot has changed in my life in the last year and a half. Now at a year and a half since Shawn's death I can honestly say I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago at this exact time. Through the loss of Shawn and our baby I now look at life, and my life in total different eyes than I did early on. Like I said before, I've learned a lot about life, and a lot about my self during this last year and a half of my life. Many things are things I don't think I would have figured out without the tragic turn of events in my life.

I've learned that I am a much stronger person than I ever thought I could be. I know I've said this on this blog before, but if somebody would have told me two years ago that my husband was going to die of a massive heart attack at 31 one years old, I would have told them to dig a hole next time him because there was no way in hell I could live without him. Obviously, that did not happen, it wasn't my choice, but I have learned to live without Shawn. I know Shawn would want me to be happy. I also know and believe more than anything that Shawn was in my life to teach me and to give me the strength I didn't see in myself. He always told me I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, and for whatever reason I didn't believe him. I didn't believe him because I didn't have to, because he was always there for me. Living through his death has taught me that I am a stronger person than I ever realized. I thank Shawn every single day for instilling in me that strength.

I have also learned that grief is a very long process, a process that I think I will always go through. A friend of mine, who is a widow and I were talking the other day, we said that the grief of losing a spouse is somewhat the same as having a disease that you never asked to have. Grief, like the disease will never go away. When you first realize you have a disease, the thought of it consumes you, you realize your life will NEVER be the same and that thought is totally overwhelming. However, as time passes, you learn to live with it, you adapt your life around the disease. You learn to live with the disease and after time you realize that your life will go on. Grief is exactly the same. For the rest of my life I will carry the grief of losing Shawn with me. No matter how much happiness I find in my future, there will always be difficult days. His birthday, our anniversary, special holidays, and of course the day of his death will always be hard for me. However, like living with a disease, I've learned to live with the grief. At a year and a half I still grieve, I still have bad days and bad moments. Over time I've just learned to deal with them in a different way, I'm grateful and blessed to have the change in perspective. However, that is something that has come over lots and lots of time.

Still to this day I don't like it when people tell me, "you have to move on". To me "moving on" sounds awful. Moving on to me sounds like forgetting what I had and moving on to the next thing. Almost like you move onto a next book after you finish one. Instead I like to say "I go on". This life wasn't my choice, I never asked for this to happen to me. But, at a year and a half, yes, I have realized that I am living, I am going on. I will never forget Shawn...I will never "move on" to something better. The life I had with Shawn was special and something that will never happen again. However, in order to live the rest of my life and to be happy again, yes, I must "go on" and continue living my life. Now, today, I can say that I'm so excited and happy to be doing that!.

Today, I am happy and I'm so blessed to be able to say that! I have the best family and friends ever. I have great friends that have came into my life since Shawn's death. People that were brought into my life for a reason. Things are going so great with Mr. X. The other day he called to tell me good morning, and well, I was having a moment. He was so sweet and thoughtful. He got it, he understood, and he listened while I told him my feelings. He responded with some of the sweetest, most caring words ever. I'm so happy that he is in my life and he wants to take the time to understand the emotions that I feel and have.

Every single day I make the choice to "go on", to live my life and to be happy for me and for Shawn, because that is what I know he would want for me...for both of us. It has been a year and a half since I lost my best friend and my husband. A year and a half since my life changed forever. There is not an hour in a day that goes by that I don't think about Shawn. I still miss him more than anything and I know I always will. But, I can honestly say now, that I look forward to waking up in the morning, I look forward to whatever my story has for me, I look forward to being truly happy again one day, and now...I look forward to living my life once again.