"I Will Not Say Goodbye"

This afternoon I was cleaning and as I always do when I clean I turned the TV on and was listening to music. I usually put on one of the channels that plays nothing but music, but today I decided to listen to a little country music, so I had on CMT. I was minding my own business, sweeping, moping, and dusting away when all of a sudden I heard a song that stopped me in my tracks. It's by a guy named Danny Gokey, I'm not 100% sure, but I think he may have won American Idol one or two seasons ago. If he didn't win it then he came in second place. I'm not really sure, I have to admit, I'm probably the only person who doesn't watch the show. I think I have only seen maybe one or two episodes, ever and they just happened to be the two with him. His wife suddenly died of a heart condition just one month before he auditioned for American Idol. Anyways, I haven't heard a thing about him or by him until today. Anyways, I was cleaning I heard the song and it caught me totally off guard. The song is called "I Will Not Say Goodbye" and it is an amazing song. I would like you all to take a little listen. I think if any of you have ever lost a person close to you in your life you will find this to be a touching song. Just a little warning though...you might want to grab a Kleenex and keep it close to you. It's a great song, but it's a little tear jerker.




Sometimes the road just ends
It changes everything you've been
And all that's left to be
Is empty, lonely, broken, hopin'
I'm supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to find a way to carry on

I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye

They keep saying time will heal
But the pain just gets more real
The sun comes up each day
Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying
If I can keep on holding on
Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone

I don't wanna feel better
I don't wanna not remember
I will always see your face
In the shadows of this haunted place
I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say goodbye

I will curse
I will pray
I'll relive everyday
I will shelter the blame
I'll shout out your name

I will laugh
I will cry
Shake my fist at the sky
But I will not say
Will not say goodbye
I will not say goodbye
Will not say ooooohhhhh

Need you make it through without any tears? The words in this song are so true in so many ways for me. Although, I'm so happy and blessed to say that today I'm in a much much much better place than I was almost two years ago. Once again, I'm happy and loving life. Ry and I have a GREAT relationship and he is such an amazing wonderful guy. I love him, his family and his kids, and they all love me back which is such an awesome feeling. I feel like Shawn kind of "hand picked" him for me, and that brings such a smile to my face. However, the words of this song left me with tears in my eyes and took me back instantly to the first few months after Shawn passed away. What an awful, horrible, dazed time.

The words are right...sometimes the road does just end. It ends and leaves you without any answers. It just STOPS without any kind of warning. I kissed Shawn goodbye early that morning when he left for work, and then three hours later I was a widow. It just stopped! Right after Shawn died and in the months following I remember thinking to myself "now what am I supposed to do, everything I have known is gone, my life will never be the same, now what" I knew I needed to be strong. I knew that is what Shawn would have wanted, that is what he had taught me during our life together...to be strong. I remember thinking there was no way I was going to let him down. As a little time started to pass and things started to get a "little better" I also remember thinking that I didn't want them to get better. I didn't want to get better. I had this thought because I think I thought that I if I was better and things were better than it would be that I would forget him. I also think that is why months 6-9 were so hard for me. I knew I had to get better. I knew I had to start living my life again, but I didn't want to because I didn't want to forget him. At almost two years now, I know that is not the case. I will NEVER forget Shawn, the husband he was, the man he was, what he did for me, how much he loved me, and how much I loved him. Those things will always, always, always be with him. A piece of my heart will always belong to him.

At first I didn't believe it when people told me that time would help. To me in the early months time just made it worse. It was just more hours, days, weeks, and months that I wasn't going to be with Shawn. Time without Shawn (a.k.a the future) was scary and I didn't even want to think about time going by. However, at a month shy of two years I can now say that time does help, time does heal and that takes time to get to that point. It never takes the pain away, but it does help. As more time passes I have learned different ways to deal with the grief, and I think that is what helps. Or at least that is what has helped me.

The widow in the video who lost her husband in the war said it best when she said that she is blessed to have the time with her husband that she did even though it was too short, and when she says she can't imagine not having her husband in her life. I feel exactly the same way. I'm so grateful for the time I was able to have with Shawn. I'm grateful for what he taught me, and for the love that we shared. And, I can not imagine my life without him in it. Those moments will always be so special to me and it will be a time that I always hold close to my heart.

I just wanted to share this song with you in case you had not yet heard it. Stay tuned...over the next few days I'm thinking it's time to reveal one of my "secrets"