My "Survival List"

Okay, I know it, you don't have to say it....I failed miserably again this week at blogging. There were times when I really wanted to sit down at the computer and write and I didn't have time. Then there were times when I could have sat down at the computer and I just didn't feel like writing then. The problem is I have just been gone so much. When I get home at night it is really really late and I just crawl into bed and go to sleep. However, after only posting three times in January I have realized that I really do miss writing and getting all my feelings and emotions out. I miss sharing my life with all of my great readers. So...I've decided to change when I write a post. Typically, I write late at night but with me not being home that is proving to be rather difficult. So from now on I'm going to try posting in my "down time" which now happens to be in the afternoon. I will see how this week goes...hopefully you will get another post before next Wednesday.

A few weeks a go I was reading through some old emails that were in my inbox. I came a crossed an email from a lady that was sent to me about seven months after Shawn died. She told me how proud of me she was for choosing to live and to survive through the grief instead of crumbling under it. Then she asked me what were some of the things that I did to help get me through the difficult time. I responded to the email, but I didn't give her a list of "survival tips". You see, when I received this email it was at seven months into the grief, it was still so fresh, raw and new. As I've said before months six through nine were the hardest for me. I cried all the time and was always sad then. At that time I didn't feel like I was a survivor, hell, at seven months I hardly thought I was living. So I didn't really think I was the person to share any type of tip let alone a tip about survival.

However, now at one month shy of a year and a half since Shawn's death I am able to see things differently. When I received that email, I was surviving, I was living and taking the proper steps for my future, I just didn't see that at the time. I now know there were things that I was doing on a daily basis to survive and to live. There were things that I was doing that was helping me to grieve and to heal. I'm going to share those things with you. These are things that worked for me. Every person grieves in their own way and under their own set of circumstances. If you know somebody who is grieving feel free to share my list with them. Just remember what helped me, may not help another person. I will tell you without several of the things on my "survival list" there is no way I would be at the point where I am today! The list is in no particular order, each and every item on the list was important in my healing process (okay, maybe not the coffee) and I don't think I could ever rate one item above the other.

1. Get out of bed! -As hard as it it you have to make yourself get out of bed. There were days when all I wanted to do was stay in my bed...to stay in our bed. For me when I was laying in my bed it felt safe. It was a place I could be and be alone, a place where I could be and drift in and out of sleep. For me sleep was always good, and I never had problems sleeping. When I was sleeping everything was good, there was no pain and grief. In the very early weeks I admit I stayed in bed a lot! I would probably go to bed around 11:00 at night and not get out of bed until noon the next day. Those were the early early weeks, the weeks when I was still trying to wrap your arms around the fact that my husband had died, and I had lost our baby. I got Bo two months after Shawn died. It wasn't until I had to get out of bed to take him outside I realized really how much better I felt once I got up and got moving. Take the time to sleep and to relax because grief really is a tiring process, but you also really do need to get out of your bed!

2. Cry when you need to - Okay at first I wasn't the greatest at this. I admit I'm still not great at this. I HATE crying in front of people...always have but for some reason crying in front of people when they already know you are "down" was so hard for me. It was like if I cried in front of them they would know I was having a hard day and I hated that feeling. However, when you are grieving the tears come at the oddest and strangest times, not always when you want them to or when you expect them to happen. There is nothing you can do about it. You have to be able to cry when you need to and want to. The tears need to come out and usually when they did, at least for me I felt better. A lot of the time for me I would cry up in my room at night after everyone had gone to bed for the night. This was a 'safe' time for me. A time when I knew I could cry how I needed and wanted too without anyone bothering me and telling me everything would be okay. Looking back at it now, the tears I cried these nights were probably some of the most therapeutic cries I had.

3. Don't bottle up your emotions -When you are grieving you have to feel everything, you have to feel the good and the bad. Without feeling everything that you feel the healing will never happen. I remember there was one day probably about four months after Shawn died that I was having a really good day. I was smiling, laughing and was having a great time with Sarah and her friends. Then it hit...the guilt. I immediately started feeling guilty for having a good day. I mean seriously, how could I be having a good day so soon after the death of my husband? I called Sarah bawling my eyes out. She was the first person to tell me that it was okay to have a good day, that it was okay to laugh and to smile again. She told me that every emotion you are feeling has to be released otherwise you will never really "heal". For me months six through nine were the hardest. Like I've said many many times before, there is no time table for grief and every person goes through things in different stages and time frames. I think for me these months were so much harder than months one through six because the shock had finally started to wear off and the reality of my life was truly sinking in. I also tried way too hard to be strong in the early months. I didn't want to crack, and I didn't want other people to see me crack either. When in reality, not sharing my emotions and getting them out earlier actually ended up coming back to get me in months six through nine. So when you are grieving take the time to feel everything get your emotions out when you need to.

4. Pray -For those of you who know me know that before Shawn died I hadn't stepped foot in a church since our wedding or the occasional funeral. I always believed in God, but was never big on praying or attending church. After Shawn died there were questions I needed answered and a part of me thought that church was the only place that I could go to get them answered. I will tell you that I will never be a "Holy Roller" but I can also tell you I did find some comfort it attending church. I will also tell you that during the last year and a half of my life I have never prayed more. Almost every single night I found myself praying to God. For him to please help me get through this, to continue to give me the strength I needed, to help take away the pain, and to bring happiness back to me. Many nights I would fall asleep while I was praying (still not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing) Praying did not instantly make things better, but it did help and in a strange way it gave me some peace that I was desperately looking for.

5. Lean on your friends! -I can honestly 100% tell you that there is no way I could have made it through this without the love and support from my friends. I have the best friends in the entire world!! Since the death of Shawn my relationship with all of my friends has changed and changed for the better. As you know Jennie and Lora were with me at the hospital the day Shawn died. I think instantly our friendships changed and changed for the better. We became much closer and I think we have all learned to lean more on each other and be there for each other more than ever. Megan and I have been best friends since college. Again, our relationship has changed for the best as well. My friends have been there for me on the best of days and on the worst of days. They have all laughed and cried with me. We have all shared very special moments during the last year and a half. Each of them have gotten phone calls from a crying,snotty Jenny and each of them have responded in an amazing way. I can truly say I love my friends with all my heart.

6. Workout! - Okay, I know this one may not work for everyone, and I know most people hate going to the gym and hate working out. However, for me I have found that working out has helped me keep my sanity. On days where I was upset or frustrated I would go to the gym have a great workout and feel so much better. Working out has been a huge stress reliever for me. I've been working out four to five days a week now since April and I will tell you on the days I don't work out I really do feel yucky. I'm probably in the best shape of my entire life now. I have found that through the pain of grief working out has been a source of comfort to me and I'm grateful for that as well.

7. Drink coffee- I know this one probably sounds a little strange. My entire life I have always hated coffee. I couldn't stand the taste or the smell of it, I'm not sure what it was but Shawn and I never liked it. Then I stared meeting Sarah at Starbucks, at first I only got hot chocolate but then I slowly made the switch from that to half hot chocolate and half coffee. Now, I'm a full fledged coffee drinker. The really yummy flavored types of coffee, not black. I don't really know what it is about coffee that I like. I actually think it's because drinking coffee is something new, and not something I ever did with Shawn. Kind of like a new memory. Plus how can you go wrong with the warm and cozy feeling that a nice hot cup of Starbucks flavored coffee gives you?

8. Start to laugh! - This one for me was really hard. It was hard to laugh again, it was hard to find something to be funny about after losing your husband. At first I didn't find much funny, I hardly smiled let a lone laugh. Then slowly the I started to find things that were funny and I started laughing once again. I realized that laughing felt good! I think the saying is true....laughter is the best medicine, but it does take time for laughter to return, but when it does it will feel good.

9. Remember the good times- As time moves on it will become easier to remember the memories without crying. It will get easier to look at the pictures without crying. Like my post said the other day at first I felt like I needed to have constant reminders of Shawn everywhere, I felt like without seeing them I would forget the memory. I now know that the memories live in my heart, nothing will take them away from me. There will come a time in the grief process when you will remember the good times and they will put a smile on your face. Again, as with all of these it takes times. But the first time you look at a picture, or remember a memory without crying it will feel good as well. I promise that the time will come when you can remember the good times and they will put a smile on your face once again.

If you know somebody who is grieving or going through the loss of a loved one feel free to share this list with them. Just remember that every person is different and grieves in a different way. These were things that helped me and comforted me.