Is It Time For Me To Be Happy Now?

I'm writing this post while I'm holding my breath. I feel like I've been holding my breath a lot lately. Why you ask? Well, I will tell you. I'm starting to feel happy again. Or actually I am feeling happy again, really happy and it feels really really good and I don't want the feeling to go away. So I'm holding my breath because I'm a little scared to let it out. What happens if I let out my breath, or rather let my guard down and it all comes crashing down around me? I know I can, and if I have to I will, but I don't want to have to pick up pieces of me all over again! I know that's living and life and shit happens, but I just don't want to get hurt again. (even though it would be hurt in a totally different way) Let me explain a little more.

Remember a few posts ago when I told you that I was seeing a guy and that things were going really well? I was worried about writing about it (and still am) because I didn't want to jinx anything. Well, things are still going well, really really well, in fact hold your breath kind of good. The kind of good that you don't want it to end. The kind of good that when I'm not with him I miss him and can't wait to see him again kind of good. A kind of good that I wasn't really sure I would ever feel again after Shawn died. A kind of good that gives me butterflies when I'm with him. The kind of good that is making me really happy. The kind of good that I'm holding my breath over because I don't want anything "bad" to happen. Do you think it's time for me to be happy again? Is it time for me to let my breath out?

It sounds strange to say and not at all like me but this has all happened in a month. Actually this coming Saturday will be one month. Fast!! I know!! Again, so not me!! Anyways, my cousin ran into him at a New Years Eve Party and decided to set us up. He had been through a hard time recently, as had I, so she thought we might be a good pair. Our first date was January 2 and we instantly hit it off. We met at 6 at night for dinner and drinks and I didn't get back home until almost 4 a.m. We have so much in common, we just talked and talked. Well, that has been almost a month now and we have seen each other every single day except for one. Even on our busy days we try to see each other, even if it's only for an hour.

I've told him about Shawn and the baby and he is totally understanding of what I have been through. In fact one night he even asked me about my necklace (the one with Shawn's finger print) and he told me that he was happy that I had something of his that gave me comfort. He really seems to get it. He also told me about his past and about the hurt he has been through as well. A different kind of hurt from mine, but hurt none the less. As we got talking we both said we wanted to wait a while to meet each others families. He has two little kids, seven, and three and we didn't want to rush anything, for the sake of all involved. I also thought it maybe kind of awkward to introduce another guy to my family. I mean, they have only ever seen me with Shawn. So we decided just to take the meeting family part of our relationship slow. Well, at the end of our first week we talked about it and realized that it just felt right, good and comfortable. With that we decided we didn't wait any longer to meet our families. We shared the same feelings and were very aware of what we had each been through. So, I first met his kids, and they are amazing! The four of us get along so well and I love spending time with them! Then on our second weekend I met his parents, sister and the rest of his family. I've gone over for a few family dinners know and they are all great people! It finally feels like I belong someplace again. At one point during the first dinner with the family I actually got kind of teary because his Mom walked past my chair and gave me a little hug on the shoulders, it just felt so great to be there. After that he came to my house and met my parents,sister and Bo. It felt right having him at my house. There wasn't any awkwardness at all. Get this...Bo who barks at everyone and anyone only barked once at him. Then crawled right up into his lap and started kissing his face. Bo loves him and I'm pretty sure he loves Bo right back! Well my friends that was three weeks ago and it has been amazing and perfect ever since.

We both feel totally comfortable with each other. Oddly so. I'm not really the type of person that goes anywhere without having my hair, make-up and good clothes on, never have been. The first weekend that we met he called me on Sunday night and asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie. Well, I had literally just gotten out of the shower and told him I would need time to get ready but it was already 8:00p.m. He told me that he didn't care what I looked like and that he knew I would look great no matter what. Ha! So I bit the bullet and just dried my hair, didn't put on any make up and just wore a sweat shirt and yoga pants to his house. So unlike me! You know what? It didn't matter what I looked like...I felt totally comfortable with him, I didn't even care that I looked like complete crap, it just wasn't an issue and yes, he told me I looked great. Ha ha! (I think he was just being nice)

At night we lay on the couch and talk and watch T.V. together. It feels so good to be held in somebody's arms again. He also does this cute thing where he will play with my hair and then kiss my head. It about melts me when he does that. But there is more to this happy feeling that just the feeling of being held. Okay, I'm going to say it...I really really like him. I love being with him, his kids and his family. I said it earlier, this has all happened so fast. But yet at the exact same time it just feels so right! I don't know...maybe this is the difference between dating in your early 20's versus your thirties. When you are young you aren't really sure of what you want and everything is a trial run. Now, at 32, having lost what I knew I wanted I now know what I want for my future. Maybe things are moving a little faster because we have both been hurt and we both know what we want. I'm just taking it day by day, as I have each day since Shawn's death and what will happen will happen. However, I really do feel happy once again.

Another amazing thing is that I think Shawn would really like him. The two of them are totally different men but at the same time have a lot of the same great qualities. My relationship/marriage with Shawn is totally different than my relationship with him and that is totally fine with me. I don't want something to be just like it was with Shawn. Our relationship was special to us and only us. In a really odd way, I'm wondering if Shawn kind of hand picked him for me. Almost like he is telling me it's okay to be with him, and to me that makes it all the more better. Actually as I sit here typing this I think Shawn would be friends with him...and that makes me smile and feel peaceful all at the same time.

Over the last week or so people have been commenting on how I look. Yes, I bust my ass in the gym every day and am probably in the best shape of my entire life, but people just aren't commenting on the weight loss and my newly toned up body. People have been telling me that I look happy. One guy at the gym told me the other day that he hadn't seen me look so happy in a long time and actually asked me if I was doing anything different. Then the next day I ran into a friend at the store that I hadn't seen in a while. She said the same thing, that I was looking great, but more than that I looked happy. Huh...who knew!! Today I was running on the treadmill sweating my butt off and realized I had a huge smile on my face. I mean who runs and smiles at the same time??!! Maybe I'm happier than I realized!

I don't know what will or will not happen with this great guy. Time will tell... and as you know life is a journey. I know that the last month has been incredible and amazing at the same time. I know I love being with him, and that I miss him on days I don't get to see him. I know I like the feeling of happiness much better than the alternative. However, at the same time it's a little scary to be having feelings for another man. It's scary and exciting all at the same time to think about a future with another man...but great all at the same time.

Either way I guess I'm trying to look at it like this:
I've learned that life is way way to short not to be happy. You take a chance in everything you do in life. I might as well take this chance...live life...enjoy the ride....feel the happiness once again...take it a day at a time...and be grateful for another great man in my life.

So there you have it....the main reason why I haven't blogged in a while. I'm simply not home as often. Don't worry though I will never abandon my blog or my readers. Life just took a turn I wasn't exactly expecting, but it for sure has been a good turn. Please hope and pray that by me writing about this I don't jinx anything...that is the last thing I want. I want the happiness to keep on going for a really really long time.

So what do you think....should I finally let my breath out and enjoy all the happiness? Is it really time for me to be happy again?