My Wedding Rings

I have been thinking about this post for sometime, but was having problems finding the right words to describe my thoughts and feelings on this topic. I wanted this post to be 'right' so I hesitated on writing it. However during the last few days I think I may have found the right words to write this post. I'm going to attempt to give it my best shot anyways.

A few weeks ago I decided that it was time for me to take my wedding rings off. For those of you who need to go ahead and gasp. Believe me when I tell you this, I thought long and hard and shed many tears at the thought of taking off my wedding rings. On August 18th when Shawn died I thought I would never take off my rings, they were a symbol of us and I didn't want to lose that, I couldn't let that go. In the days and weeks after Shawn died I never took off my rings, the only time that I had to take them off is when I went in for my D&C a month after Shawn died. Even then I wore my rings until the wheeled me to the operating room, at the very last second I took them off with tears in my eyes and gave them to my Mom to hold onto until I got back to my room. The first thing I asked for other than something to drink was for my rings. At that moment my rings went right back on my finger and the thought about taking them off never entertained my mind again.

Well that is until a few weeks before Christmas. This was just about the time I woke up one morning and felt for the first time that I really did want to be happy again one day. I missed Shawn with all of my heart and soul but I knew he would always be with me and that our love would always be with me. I remember that morning like it was yesterday. Laying in bed that early December morning under my covers I hoped and prayed that I would one day fall in love with another awesome man. At that same moment I knew Shawn would want me to be happy again as well, he wouldn't want be to be alone for the rest of my life. That is about the last thing that Shawn would want for me. The next thought I had was about taking off my rings. I thought about our wedding day and what Shawn told me as he was putting my ring on my finger. "In sickness and health, to death do us part." Who would have thought that the death part would have came so quickly just after seven years of marriage? I remember how proud I was at that moment to be called his wife and to finally have a wedding ring on my finger. It was such an amazing day and an even better feeling. It's what every little girl dreams of.

With all of those thoughts stirring in my mind about wanting to be happy and falling in love again one day I knew and felt like the time was coming for me to take off my rings. However, I couldn't take them off just yet. Like I said this was all going on in my head in early December. I wasn't sure if I was 'ready' to take them off even though I had these 'happy' thoughts in my head. I didn't want people to judge me for taking my rings off so soon. I didn't want people to think I no longer loved Shawn because I took off my rings. Although, like I have said in previous posts...I don't think there is a time table for grief. So for the next month or so I still wore my rings everyday, I never once took them off.

However during this time for some reason I also really started to think about the meaning of a wedding ring. A wedding ring is supposed to symbolize eternity, endlessness and something that is not supposed to be broken. A husband and a wife give each other wedding rings as a token of the unending love that the couple will hopefully have. That is why a wedding ring is called "A Circle of Love"

Wedding rings also are meant to symbolize:

*Love
*Commitment
*Fidelity
*Eternity and
*Honor

A wedding ring is supposed to be a symbol for a never ending marriage, a symbol for un-dieing love that two people share, the way that love between two people is supposed to be.

Fast forward now with me to about three weeks ago. This is about the time when I started 'playing' around with my rings. I would take them off while I was putting on my make-up. I would look in the mirror and see my finger without my rings. It was a weird sight to see, a naked ring less wedding finger after having a ring there for the last 9 years. After I got done putting on my make-up I would always put my rings back on. Over the next few days I continued to 'play' with my rings. I would take them off while I was typing on the computer, when I was cleaning or when I was alone in my house. Then the day came when I took them off and went out in public. I didn't go anywhere big or exciting, just a trip to the gas station, but a trip none the less without my rings. When I began to have the thoughts about taking off my rings I talked to Sarah about it.http://sarahschieber.blogspot.com/ I asked her when she took off her wedding rings after her husband died. She looked at me and told me that there is no real answer to this question. She told me to listen to my heart and to do what I felt was right. She also told me that on the days I felt 'strong' I could take them off, and when I had a bad day I could put them back on. So that is what I started doing.

Then about two weeks ago, I woke up one morning and felt like the time had come to take off my rings. It felt right in my heart. That morning I got up and got in the shower. I got dressed and got ready to leave my house. As I was leaving my bedroom I looked down at my finger and saw my rings. I touched them with my other fingers and kind of spun them around my ring finger. I hadn't really realized how big they had gotten on my finger, but they were very loose and spun around easily. I then looked at a picture from our wedding day that I have on my wall. As I was looking at the picture I took off my rings and sat them gently on the book case. Even though I felt like this was the right thing to do I still cried a few tears. It was a hard thing to do, but yet somehow I knew the timing was right.

Later that same day I was driving around town running errands. At one point during the day I looked at my hand on the steering wheel. It was so odd to look at my hand with out a wedding ring. However, at that exact same moment as I was looking at my finger I had this little peaceful feeling come over me. It was ok that I took off my rings. I realized that even though I had made the choice to take off my rings did not in any way mean that I loved Shawn any less or that I was giving up on our marriage. Just the opposite in fact. I thought about how wonderful our marriage was and how much we loved each other. Those thoughts is why I have made the choice to be happy again. I want to be able to share that love with another man and have them feel my love as well. I will always always love Shawn and I will always feel his love in me and his love for me. I know that we got married because we loved each other, I know that we were committed to each other and that we honored and loved each other. I now know I don't need to look down at my 'naked' ring finger to see or feel that. I know in my heart and will always know that our love for each other was real and I know as well that our love for each other is eternal and that is a wonderful feeling.

With all of that being said, I would now like to leave you a picture of our wedding rings. When they gave me Shawn's ring back after the funeral I put it next to a football helmet from YSU, his necklace and glasses are also sitting on the same shelf in my bedroom. Now my rings are sitting next to his where they will rest in eternity with our love.