6th Months and a Conversation with a Great Little Boy

See I told you I was going to update my blog today. I'm really going to make a better effort to update everyday again. I feel so much better after I 'write'.

Well I crossed another milestone this morning and it was a big one. Today at 11:37 a.m. marked six months since Shawn has been gone. I know I have said this many times in the last six months, but I'm going to say it again right now. In one way it seems like just yesterday that I kissed Shawn's lips good-bye in our drive way on that hot August morning for the last time and in another way that day seems so very far away from where I am today. Six months... what a long time to be away from the person that you loved and that you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Six months is such a long time not to feel their arms around you, not to hear their voice, not to sit with them and eat dinner together as husband and wife, and perhaps the worst of all not to be able to fall asleep in their arms after a long day, look into their eyes at night and tell your husband that you love him. Six months is a long time for those things, but then on the other hand I still remember what Shawn wore the day that he died and I still for some stupid reason remember the pajama's that both of us wore to bed the last time we slept in our bed. As time moves forward I don't know if I will ever let go of these silly memories. I do know that there are many many memories that I will never ever let go of and those are the memories that help to get me through every day and those are the memories that I am grateful for that I still have.

Six months later I know for sure I'm not the same person as I was on that hot August day when Shawn had to leave me. I'm a much stronger, independent, and secure person. I look at things and view things in such a different way than I did just six months ago. I'm turning into a person that I never ever thought I would be. If you would have told me two years ago that this was going to happen to me I would have said, "If my husband is going to die, then just dig a hole next to him for me, because there is no way I can live without him. There is no way I want to live without him" As a wife it was my worst nightmare to have my husband die before me. Instead six months later I'm a person who has chosen to survive after her nightmare came true. I'm trying to live my life and to be happy instead of being upset and sad all of the time. Don't get me wrong, I still grieve and I still miss Shawn like I have never missed anyone else ever before but six months later I'm also deciding to live my life again and to be happy. I know that I want to be happy and that is a good feeling. Yes, six months later I am a much much different person, a person I never realized I could be.

For those of you who are dying to know I will also tell you that six months later after choosing to once again be happy I think I may be on my way. Things with "T" are going really well. We have gotten to spend lots of time with each other since I have been in Youngstown. We are getting to know each other more and more. He is wonderful and lets me be me. More importantly he tries to understand what I'm going through. He lets me talk about Shawn and the experiences that I had with him. "T"and I have said up front that we wanted to have a very open relationship with each other. We have both told each other things that many other people may not know. We have decided to go this route because we are not 20's playing the dating game. We are both adults who have gone through our fair share of "stuff". We are both want to be happy and have decided that being up front and honest with each other is the best thing for both of us. So I would say so far so good with the new "relationship"
"T" if you are reading this thank you so much for being you and for letting me be me and for seeing where "we" go. It means more to me than you know!

The next six months will bring more firsts for me. I will have my due date, our anniversary, our annual summer vacation, and of course the one year milestone of Shawn's death. I will face these dates like I have all the rest head on with the support from my family and the best set of friends that a person could ever ask for. Who knows where or who I will be in the next six months, I know I still have more to figure out, and only time will tell what will happen.

I know this is getting long, but I would like to share with you a conversation that I had with Jennie's 5 year old son Devin my first morning here in Youngstown. Warning...it may be a tear jerker.

Last Friday morning I woke up with Jennie and her 3 boys. I wanted to help her get the boys around for school and Devin had asked me the night before if I would be here when he woke up. Well that morning I was sitting in the chair as Devin made his way down the stairs into the living room. From the top of the stairs Devin spotted me and gave me the biggest smile ever. After he smiled at me he said "Good morning Coin" (all of Jennie's kids call me Coin, Jennie's entire family calls me Coin) After Devin told me good morning he asked if we could snuggle on he couch for a while and I being the snuggler that I am said yes. The following is the conversation that we had.

Devin: "I love you Jenny Coin"
Me: "Thank you Devin, I love you too. I'm so glad that I get to visit with you. I sure did miss you lots."
Devin: "I missed you lots too. Hey, do you live with your Mom and Dad now?"
Me: "Yup, I do live with my Mom and Dad now up in Michigan."
Devin: "Do those guys live with you?"
Me: "What guys Dev?"
Devin:"The big guys that took all of your stuff out of your and Shawn Coin's house."
Me:" No those guys don't live with me. Those were friends of Shawn's who helped me move the heavy stuff when I had to go back and live with my Mom and Dad. They live here in Youngstown like you do.
Devin: "You had to move away from me because Shawn Coin died."
Me: "Yes, Devin you are right. I moved back with my Mom and Dad because Shawn died."
Devin: "Was Shawn in a big box?"
Me: "Yes, Shawn was in a big box, it is called a casket."
Devin: "Did Shawn wear clothes?"
Me: "Yup, I put clothes on Shawn, I didn't want him to be naked?" (a little giggle from Devin)
Devin: "Jenny Coin, do you still get to see Shawn every day?"
Me: "No Devin, I don't get to see Shawn anymore everyday. Shawn is up in Heaven. I only get to see Shawn when I look at his picture or when I see him in a memory."
Devin: "Do you miss Shawn Coin?"
Me: "Yes, I miss Shawn a whole lot, just like I miss you when I can't see you everyday."
Devin: "Do you get to talk to Shawn everyday?"
Me: "Nope, I don't talk to Shawn anymore because he is up in Heaven. I only can remember what his voice sounds like in my memories."
Devin: "Do you still love Shawn Coin?"
Me: "Yup, Devin, I will always love Shawn, he will always be a very very special person in my life, that I will always love."
Devin: "Know what?"
Me: "No what?"
Devin: "Shawn will always love you to"

With that my sweet little Devin reached over and gave me a kiss on the cheek, got up and got dressed for the day, while I sat on the couch with tears in my eyes in amazement over what a 5 year old boy understands about life and death.

A little pic of me and my Devin.