An Explanation

I've been getting emails and comments asking when I was going to be posting again. A few saying it was "mean"of me to post something as big as our wedding without posting another update sooner. The only thing I can say is I'm sorry. The only reason for not blogging as often as I once did is simple...I now have a life again, a job, a family and it seems as though this summer we have been on the run. I also have so many things I want to tell you I'm having a hard time deciding what and how I should tell it all to you. I've sat down on my computer a few different times to write a post and I just can't decide what to write. Call it writers block if you want to. I really think I just need to get back into the swing of blogging and writing posts again. I probably will never write multiple posts in one week again. I would love to, but I'm just too busy now. However, I am going to try really hard to write one post every week. If something big happens or I have a spare minute I will try and do more, but for right now I think once a week would be a good place to start.

This is going to be a post explaining to you or trying to explain to you why I had to take a break from blogging for almost a year. This might be another long one. But before I do that I want to thank each of you for the sweet comments you left on my post about our wedding. I'm so happy I finally got to share that day and our engagement story with you. Thank you for all of your kind words and thoughtfulness, as always they were greatly appreciated. I received a few comments asking me who the baby was in our family picture and if he was perhaps our baby. I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who thought Ry and I might of had a baby, but the sweet little boy in the picture is our nephew, Ry's sister's baby. I'm very close to Ry's sister and I do call the baby, "My baby", but he really is our nephew. So sorry to disappoint you guys ;)

Okay, now for the reason why I had to stop blogging. I hope I can get this out with it making sense and not being a bunch of jumbled up thoughts, while at the same time not telling you everything about this due to the extreme personal nature of it all.

As many of you know Shawn died of a massive heart attack at the very young age of 31 in August of 2008. In May of '08 Shawn began experiencing shortness of breath and chest pain. From May til the day he passed we were in and out of the doctor. Two days before his death we were in the ER because he was having shortness of breath and chest pain. Neither our family doctor or the ER doctor thought it was anything too serious. To be honest with you I was scared out of my mind, and was beginning  to doubt both the ER and our doctor. However, I put my trust in them and followed their directions. I remember driving to work the morning Shawn died and praying that he would be okay. I honestly thought his shortness of breath and chest pains were being caused from a tumor or something pressing on his heart. I didn't really ever think he was having heart attacks or had any heart problems.

As you know not only did he die from a massive heart attack, a heart attack nicknamed, "The Widow" maker, but he was also having mini heart attacks in the months before his death. His autopsy said that he had a heart attack 24-36 hours prior to the one that killed him.

Within a few weeks after Shawn's death people started asking me and telling me I should look into a wrongful death/medical malpractice lawsuit. At that point and time that was the last thing I wanted to do. It was only weeks after his death when this was mentioned to me. There was no way I was going to be involved in a lawsuit, be pregnant, and have a newborn all at the same time. Also truth of the matter be told in my mind, a lawsuit wasn't going to change anything, Shawn was not going to come back.

It wasn't until months after when I received his autopsy in the mail that I decided to go ahead with it. The autopsy stated that he had several "mini" heart attacks and another bigger heart attack 36 hours prior to the one that killed him. That was the information that made me change my mind about the lawsuit.Clearly in my mind Shawn didn't receive proper medical care from either the family doctor or the ER, which didn't even run a test saying he was having a heart attack that could of saved his life.  I didn't do it to bring him back, I knew nothing could bring him back and I 100% did NOT do it for any type of money or to get rich, the money was the farthest thing from my mind. I decided to go ahead, hire a lawyer, and forge ahead with the lawsuit to fight for Shawn. Fighting for him, his life and the poor medical care he was given. Doing this was the last thing I could do as Shawn's wife and it was honestly one of the hardest decisions I have had to make. I also did it because I did not want any other wife to live the pain I was living as a widow. I did this to help other people as well.

Eleven months after Shawn died I hired my lawyer and the suit was filed. It was supposed to be a "quick and simple case" It was supposed to be "civilly" talked out between my lawyer, the lawyers for the defense and the insurance companies and it was never to go to a jury. Well needless to say this was not the case. It was an extremely long, extremely emotional, extremely drawn out process that two months shy of three years ended up going to a jury trial in June.

I had to stop blogging once my lawyer and myself realized that this was not going to be as "simple" as expected. Trust me on this when I say I fought with my lawyer over stopping. I didn't want to, but in order to protect the trial I had to. Through my deposition in preparation for the trial  people found out about my blog. My blog was no longer "mine", it was now for all lawyers involved to see, to read and to judge. It was getting to hard to have silly little posts, about books I was reading, things I liked, or clothes I bought. This was not the type of blog I wanted. I had always been open about my life and what was going on in it on my blog. It was getting harder and harder for me to write these posts and not really tell you what was going on in my life. You see, while going through this process, I wasn't even supposed to really be dating let alone, engaged or married. However, as the trial kept getting postponed and drug on and on, I still had to live my life. I needed and wanted to live my life, to find and be happy again, but I couldn't share it with you in fear of what others would say about it and how it would effect the outcome of the case. So as it got closer for the trial to start I finally listened to my lawyer and stopped blogging.

As I said earlier the trial finally happened in June after three and a half years and three cancellations . For all involved I'm not going to share with you the outcome of the trial. In the end and in the much bigger picture of all things the verdict of the trial is not what was most important. Trust me when I tell you it has taken me 3.5 years of hell to come to this realization.What does matter is that I fought like I have never fought before to do what was right, I fought like hell for Shawn and to protect his name. I fought like hell to do my best I could do as my last "job" as Shawn's wife. In the end at least to me my fighting for Shawn is what mattered.  I will tell you a little about my part of the trial. Keep in mind all of this took place in Ohio, so I was away from Ry and the kids this whole time and that was awful as well! My parents were there with me every single day and then the day I had to testify Ry's sister came down to be with me as well. Even though Ry wasn't there with me, he was a HUGE form of support!! I could not have done any of this without him. Times when I was bawling so hard I couldn't even breath he was able to calm be down like nobody else could. Even though he was not with me he was my rock through the entire process. We talked tons during the day, every morning before court, every break, every lunch, after dinner and before bed. I am so extremely blessed and beyond grateful to have a truly amazing wonderful man and husband in my life!!

Being involved in a trial is nothing like you see on T.V., probably because there are many more emotions when you are involved in a trial for someone you love. The legal "drama" is tiring, the emotions that are felt during a trial like this are draining in every sense of the word. This trial lasted 8 days and I have never been so tired in my life. Court usually lasted 6-8 hours a day and a few nights after court I would head to my lawyers office and continue to work on things. It was emotionally and physically draining in so many ways. During the course of the trial lost about 17 pounds, I just could not eat. I was way too nervous and too emotional. I would not recommend this diet to anyone ;)

My lawyers had several witnesses, several of which were fellow coach's who worked with Shawn and who were with him in his office when he died. We also had two expert witnesses. They were much easier to listen to than our friends. When the coach's took the stand it was like reliving the day Shawn died over and over again with each of them. Each witness was asked questions about Shawn, the type of person he was, how he was as a coach, what they noticed when Shawn started getting sick, what happened in his office the day he died and what happened once we were all in the waiting room waiting or the doctor to come in and talk to us. I have talked to each of these guys many times since his death, but I have never really asked what happened in the office. I had my ideas, but it was just something I wasn't sure I wanted to know. Hearing each of them tell their story of that moment was gut wrenching. I honestly have not cried that hard or that long in years. Every day I cried the first three days of the trial I bawled with each witness.

I had to take the stand as a witness as well. Believe me when I tell you I was dreading this like I have never dreaded anything before! I had to retell our story, the story of when Shawn first started not feeling well. When we went to the doctor, what was said. I had to tell about myself, my family. There were pictures of Shawn and I that I had to explain to the jury what they were. I had to talk about what type of man Shawn was, what type of husband he was. I was asked the last memory I have of Shawn, the last phone call. I also had to tell the jury what happened the morning that he died. Many of the things I had to tell the jury were things that I have told very few people. What Shawn looked like when I saw him on that stretcher is something I will never ever forget. I never wanted anybody else to have that image in their head. All of this came out when I was on the stand. I also was asked questions about my new life. When I started dating, when and why I got remarried. What Shawn would think about that. I got through most of my testimony without breaking down, but when I did, I let it all out. I think I probably cried too much, but my parents, Ry's sister and my lawyers all told me I did a great job. After I got off the stand I went and sat next to my mom and Ry's sister. I totally broke into a thousand little pieces. I know it was something I had to do to fight for Shawn, but seriously taking that stand was the second hardest thing I have ever done in my life, next to the day I buried him.

After I got off the stand court was let out for the day. I walked out of the court room and had a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Taking the stand was the one thing I did not want to do in all of this. When I found out I was going to have to I freaked out! For the first time in 3 plus years I was able to breath, the hardest part for me was over. I fought my fought and did what I had to do for Shawn. By testifying and answering all of those personal questions I did the last thing I needed to do to honor Shawn.

After I testified the trial continued for another three days. I got to come back home to Ry and he kids during the weekend. Let me tell you that was the longest 6 hour car ride ever! I could not wait to run into Ry's arms and just have him hold me. The emotions of that week were off the charts and I just needed to have my life back and feel peace with him. I did just that as soon I got out of the car. Being home if only for the weekend was wonderful!

Like I said it went three days into the next week. I was finally able to come home on Wednesday night. As I stated earlier I am not going to say what the jury said. In the end it's not important. However, I did it as awful, stressful and as emotional as it was I can gladly say after three plus years it is all over! As with Shawn's death I learned from this experience. I learned that I can get through just about anything, and that I'm a much stronger person than I thought. The weight is finally off of my shoulders.

I hope you understand why I had to take a break and I hope you understand why I have decided not to tell you the verdict. Guilty or not guilty doesn't matter and it doesn't change anything. I fought for Shawn and his life and that is what matters.

I am beyond grateful to have the support of my parents/family,my amazing new husband Ry, Ry's entire family who has welcomed me into their family with open arms, and some pretty amazing friends to once again help me through this difficult time. Without each of them I would not have been able to do any of it.