I'm So Sorry , An Update!!!

First of all let me start off by saying a HUGE HUGE hello to each and every one of you. I have missed you all so much...you have NO idea!!

Second, let me tell you how sorry I am for not blogging in a really really long time. November was the last time that I have done an update and I'm so sorry for that. Today like I have done every day since November I got on my blog to read each of your blogs and to read any comments that may have been left for me. I have to be honest I was a little "bothered" when I read the last comment. It was from an anonymous reader who said:
" not to be rude, but if you don't have any intention of returning to this blog, maybe you should say so instead of leaving all of your readers wondering. I hope all is well. Miss your posts."

I am SO incredibly sorry for not blogging in such a long time and I'm even more sorry if my readers are thinking that I am "playing" with them by not posting. I love to blog and I miss it! However, at this time I am still going through something dealing with Shawn that very little people would understand. Well, many do understand but a few do not or do not want to understand.
I want to blog...I really really want to blog, I love it and it and I find great joy in doing it. There are SO many things...good things...really good things that I want share with each and every one of you. I feel that you have all been through so much with me. You have been there from the very beginning of my blog, you have been there for me through the worst time in my entire life, and you have been there for me when good started happening in my life again. I want to be able to share my whole life with you as I have always done. I want to be able to talk about Shawn, to talk about Ry and all other things going on in my life. I want that more than anything. I want to sit down un-edited, and write about my life as I always have. I would love to be able to sit down and write a big long post about everything! Actually, I have already started it in my head and trust me it will be lots of posts to get you guys all caught up to speed with my life.

However, as life would have it, I am still not able to blog. This is NOT my choice, please believe me and I hope you understand this! Or rather it has been suggested that I not blog. I have been going back and forth with this decision for some time. A part of me wants to say screw it, do what I want to do and blog and share my life with you, and another part of me feels like I need to be somewhat smart about this and not start blogging yet. I emphasis the yet part. I'm not sure how much longer I will hold out and not blog. I just miss it too much and I know that some people have found comfort in my blog and that hurts me more than anything to know that somebody is living what I went through and can not find comfort here. But like I said, I need to be somewhat smart about this and do what is best for now. That decision could literally change any moment, this has been a true roller coaster people and I have not enjoyed it at all.

The truth of the matter is for the time being I don't feel like my blog is "mine" I feel there are some people who may be looking at my blog and judging me for all the wrong reasons. Reasons I will explain to you all as soon as I can. I want my blog to be written in my words, written in my true feelings without feeling like I have to hide what I want to from people. A few of my readers have emailed me asking why I don't go private. Well, I don't want too, for one it seems like a lot of work to send all of my readers emails and invites for a private blog. Secondly, I want my blog to be out there in the blogger world for everyone. You never know who a person will run into and my blog might be a form of support for them. I do not want to lose that for them!

So for now I'm still not blogging. (not my choice) Like I said, this could literally change at a moments notice. All I ask is that if you would like from time to time please stop by and see if there are any new posts or updates. I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants here on this one...the reason for not blogging has been a roller coaster and I can not wait to get off the ride.

Also please please please do not feel, and I hope you do not feel that I am "playing", "toying with your emotions", or have no intentions of coming back. I would never do that to my readers and I have EVERY intention of coming back as soon as I possibly can. However, unless I decide to be all wild and crazy I need to do what is best. It could be soon or it could not be until mid summer...hopefully no later. I don't blame any of you if you do not want to "stick" around and wait for me, that is a choice each of you need to make. As soon as possible I will be back and I will explain all of this to you. All I ask for is your continued good thoughts, patience and prayers.

Also please know that I still read your blogs each and every day. I just don't log into to comment very often, because it just makes me all the more tempted to write a post of my own.

Many readers have asked if I can give a little hint as to how things are going. Yes, I can. Things are going well, very very well. I am extremely happy, in a very good and healthy place in my life and it feels amazingly wonderful. And yes, I'm still with Ry and he is amazing too!! I really do have lots and lots of very exciting things to share with you all and pictures like you would not believe! Oh I can't wait to share the pictures and moments of my life with you from the last year. When I do come back be ready...you will have lots and lots of posts and lots and lots of my life to go through!!

Oh and for those of you who have suggested I'm pregnant or have had a baby...sorry to disappoint all of you, but that has not happened and I'm totally fine with that. But much other good has gone on in my life.

Please stop back and visit and I promise with all of my heart as soon as I can or make the decision to I will be back to the blogging world. Hopefully sooner than mid summer, but that is my deadline if all else fails.

Thank you for everything