Ten Years

May 19, 2001 a day that will always have special meaning to me. It will also always be one of the best days of my life. Ten years ago today I married on of the greatest men I had ever known!

It kind of blows my mind to think about being married for ten years. It seems like such a long time, I guess it is a long time, a really long time, especially when you think about how long marriages seem to last these days or rather don't last. Was my marriage with Shawn perfect? No, not at all, we had a fair share of "issues" but we always worked through them, we chose to work through them and we communicated with each other. Did we fight? No, hardly at all but of course we did, and when we did they were usually HUGE fights. Every marriage has it's fights and it's ups and downs, but we always worked through our issues. More important that anything we loved each other with all of our hearts. We would do anything for each other and we were always there for each other. We grew up together, helped each other grow and change. I would like to think I helped in in areas of his life and I know he helped me in areas of mine. A huge part of my personality is because of him. A huge part of the strength that I have is because of him and the strength he instilled in me. Maybe in some weird way he knew something was going to happen and was preparing me to live without him. Either way, without him I know I would not be who I am today, and I'm so grateful and blessed for how Shawn impacted my life. How he still impacts my life. There are many situations that I think to myself, "How would Shawn handle this?" Or " What would Shawn think of this?"

I remember most details of my wedding day. It was a beautiful spring day, deep blue sky, warm and lots of sun. I stayed the night at my parents house and Shawn called me in the morning and told me how excited he was to have me finally be his wife and how anxious he was to start our life together. The rest of the day I went about my business, hair, make-up, and getting into my dress. The whole day just felt "right". Just before I walked down the aisle my Dad looked at me and asked if I was nervous. I told him only because everyone was staring at me but not because I was getting married. It felt right, it felt really right and there was no reason to be nervous.

I caught Shawn's eye standing up at the alter waiting for me. I saw his smile and totally forgot about everyone and everything else. I was going to be his wife and that was all that mattered. Of course I cried when I said my vows to him. We were really young when we got married 23 and 24 I remember laughing at the line "in sickness and in health" and "till death us do part", nothing was going to happen to us. We were young and had our entire lives in front of us and it was going to be a great life. I'm telling you the two of us had some big, big plans! The rest of the night went off without a hitch. Our reception was while a little on the quiet side but was right for us at the time, nothing wild or crazy. We went to sleep that night as husband and wife and it felt amazing. Little did we know that only seven years later things would drastically change.

Today, at ten years after our wedding I look at life in a totally different way. I have learned to live life to the fullest and love more than ever because you never know what tomorrow will bring. My tomorrow changed in a heartbeat. I have also learned to love in a different way than I did before Shawn died. If it makes any sense I think I love "more" and "harder" because I know for a fact how quickly it all can end. I now say "I love you" to everyone, my family, and my friends and I never used to do that before. I always thought I would have tomorrow to tell them, and well, that's just not the case.

I got up this morning and of course remembered it was the ten year anniversary of our marriage. However, unlike the last two years I wasn't really sad. I took some time and remembered the day and the many memories that Shawn and I made for ourselves. I took a bouquet of yellow roses out to the cemetery and stayed out there for a while. I thanked Shawn for loving me, for letting me be his wife and for helping to make me who I am today. I also thanked him for teaching me how to love someone with all of my heart and soul. Of course I told him that I loved, will always love and miss him. And I did it all without crying or cracking into a million little pieces. I got into the car, turned the radio station and wouldn't you know it our wedding song, "I Cross My Heart" by George Strait was on the radio. I'm not even kidding, the second I got in the car from visiting his grave the song came on. A sign from Shawn, or just an odd coincidence? I have no idea but it gave me goose bumps and made me smile.

A marriage with love and respect of two people, what more could I ask for? Not a whole lot more. Even though my life and marriage with Shawn was cut short I will be forever grateful for the time I had with him. It was a great seven years, I will never forget it and it will always be a part of me, forever. I'm also grateful for the type of love that Shawn and I had. While it was unique and something special between just the two of us it taught me to love again. Because of the love and relationship that Shawn and I had I realized I didn't want to close my heart off to options of loving another man after his death. It took a long while to get to that point, but I'm so glad I realized that. After a long time I realized I wanted to be able to share the love that I have with another man and create another life of love between a man and a woman. Would a relationship with another man be the same as my relationship with Shawn? No absolutely not! Nor do I want it to be. However, with the love that Shawn and I had I can and I want to share that with another great guy. I am so lucky to be able to share and have that type of love with Ry. Our relationship is different that my relationship with Shawn, but that is ok. I'm grateful that the two relationships are different. I'm grateful that I am able to love, be in love and to be loved back by two amazing men! I am one lucky girl!

I think my facebook status this morning sums it up the best, I wrote: "Oh how time and life changes things. Ten years ago today I married one of the best guys ever! Today is not a "sad day" I'm remembering the good memories Shawn and I had. But still looking forward to what my future has in store for me and extremely happy to be in the place I am today! I've been blessed with great family, and great friends, both old and new and I love you all!!

Today I remember my wedding anniversary with Shawn and the life we had and we created. I'm also grateful for his love and the strength he gave me. This is my life, it's the story I have been given. It may not be the life I thought I would be living. However, it's my "story" and there is no changing it. Just learning from it, growing from it, and trying my best to move forward.

So today I remember my marriage with Shawn, our good times and our bad. I will always, always love Shawn and he will always, always and forever hold a special place in my heart. There will always be an empty space there for him. However, I'm grateful to be able to love again and to be loved back by another wonderful man!

I love you Shawn, I always will and I miss you so much! Happy ten year anniversary!