"It Will Be Okay"

It has been a while sine I have written a "deep" post so I figured why not jump right in with my second post of 2011. Before any of you get all worried and think something bad has happened let me assure you, I am okay, I am good, actually I'm pretty great. Life is good and I'm happy to be able to tell you all that. Ry and I are doing amazing, we had a wonderful first Christmas together, and a terrific New Years. I'm so happy and grateful to actually be happy again!

I have been kind of working on this post in my head for a while now. I had the thoughts and the ideas, but I just didn't really know how to put it all into words, well words that would make sense anyways. I still don't know if this will come out heat all sounding right, but I figure I will give it my best shot. Recently a few things have "happened" to me making me think I can put this into words. One being within the last few weeks a few people have been asking me how I have gotten myself to the point I am today. How did I get through one of the worst things a person can ever imagine going through in their life and at two and a half years later be okay with things. One of the Mom's in my classroom and I were talking yesterday, she knew about Shawn passing away but had no idea about my miscarriage until we were talking and it got brought up. She looked at me and said, "Oh my, you really went through so much in such a short amount of time" All, I could do was look at her, shake my head, and say, "Yes, I did, it was awful, it still is awful, the worst thing in my life I have ever gone through, but I'm okay now." She just looked at me and with tears in her eyes she said, "I'm so glad that you are okay now"

The second this is a few weeks ago we were at Ry's parents house talking about Ry's Aunt who suddenly lost her husband of 23 years. They were talking about how she was doing. How she and her kids got through Christmas and how they were coping with the changes of not having their Dad/Husband. All I could do was sit there and think of what I was doing eight weeks after Shawn's death. I was and absolute, total 100% hot mess. I feel for his Aunt, my heart hurts for her because I know exactly what she is feeling, and what she is going through, the pain, and it is not fun at all. As we were all talking different family members were saying that they hope and pray that she would be okay. I joined into the conversation, shared a few things about my whole grief process and told them that she would be okay, but that it takes time and lots of it for her to be okay or to even get to that point. After I said it though I got to thinking...how do I know she will be okay, I don't. I'm knew to the family, I have only known her for a year. I really have no idea how she is grieving or what she is or is not doing to get to that point. All I know is what I did and what I went through. Just because I am okay, doesn't necessarily mean that she will be. It's all in the person and what the person wants.

Finally, last night I was watching Oprah (I really don't know why because I can not stand her) but for some reason the title of the show caught my attention. It was called "It Will Be Okay" the majority of the show dealt with a husband and wife who tragically lost their two daughters and one son ages, 5, 4, and 2 in horrible car accident in which the wife was driving the family car and a semi truck rammed into the back end killing all three children instantly. I can not even begin to imagine a loss of that magnitude. The show was about them and how even in the worst moment of their life they came together, leaned on each other and got to the point three years later where they are now "okay" again. I sat their watching the show, listening to them talk with tears in my eyes. I was relating everything that they were saying to losing Shawn.

As a wife my worst fear ever was losing my husband and being left alone with out him. As a parent I would imagine your worst fear is losing your child or worse yet your children. Things happen in life that will never and can never be explained. Unfortunately, people lose their spouses and their children every single day, it's just a cruel reality of life. However, like the family on Oprah, I grieved, I cried, I yelled, I got angry and I doubted a lot of life for a long time. Like the couple I also slept a lot. I hated going to sleep and I hated waking up, but when I was sleeping I was so grateful because in that state of sleep was the only time I did not feel any pain. When I was sleeping it was like what I was going through was not real. Also Like the couple I finally reached a point where I began to realize things and look at things in a different way. I had to start looking at my life, my old life with Shawn, and my new life without Shawn in a different way or else I seriously was going to go crazy. While I loved sitting at my parents house in Shawn's old clothes, it was really beginning to take a toll on me. I've mentioned this before on my blog, but at around six months after Shawn died I really began to grieve. Months six through nine for me were even worse than the first few weeks after his death. The shock was gone and reality was sinking in more and more every day. So like the couple on Oprah, I felt the pain. I felt the good, the bad, the ugly and the awful. I think I was afraid to do that before because I was afraid to "crack" Now, in reality, I think you have to crack to be able to be okay down the road. You have to face it, you have to feel it because other wise you are just masking it and will never get to that okay point. Hell, at two and a half years I'm still feeling it, and I will always still feel it.

In order to be "okay" you have to get to the point where you begin to smile when you look at pictures or talk about the person you have lost. At first I needed to have pictures of Shawn and I up. I felt like I needed them up because I was worried about forgetting. I still have pictures of Shawn and I but I now know that I will never forget what was. I now look at the pictures and smile when I think of all the good and even bad times that the two of us shared and I'm grateful for each and every one of them. Yes, I'm even grateful for the bad ones. The couple on Oprah also said the same thing. Looking at pictures of their children know brings a smile to their face and reminds them of their family.

Another interesting thing that the couple said was that you have to learn to integrate the people who died into your new life. When you are head deep in grief you don't want to admit it, but you are still living, you are not the one who died, your life has to go on. As each day passes you learn to do that, it's a long painful process but you learn it. You also learn how to make the person you lost part of your new life. Traditions and special occasions will never be the same without that person, but they can still be special and meaningful. As time goes, you will find new ways to feel your loved one with you. I don't know really how to explain that any more it's just something that kind of happens. I guess more than anything as you heal you really start to "feel" that person their with you and that feeling comforts you more than you can imagine.

Another interesting thing the couple said was that you have to learn to focus on the life of the person that died instead of focusing on the day they died. For the longest time after Shawn died it was all about the day he died, the way he died and how it could have been prevented. I counted the hours, the days, the weeks, the months that went by without him. I was focusing on what was missing in my life without him being their with me. As more time went on I started talking more and more about Shawn and his life. I realized that talking about him made me smile, it brought comfort to me. Also by talking about him other people were also remembering him. People forgetting Shawn was and still is one of my biggest fears. He was such and amazing wonderful man and I don't want people to forget him. Talking about his life and how he lived his life brought a smile to my face instead of always focusing on the day everything changed. This also gives you a chance to remember and reflect on the good times you had with that person.

I guess too when you go through something in life that you have feared, something you don't think is imaginable to get through, something you don't even want to live through makes you look at life in a totally different way. You learn to appreciate the here and now instead of what is a head. You learn to slow down and take things one day at a time. Now, while I still think a head and probably a little too far at times I have learned to enjoy each day more than I ever did before. Ry, has also helped me a great deal with that. I've said this before too, but I really think Shawn was put in my life to help me in so many different ways. He taught me things about myself that I never knew. Things that I would never have figured out had I not gone through the loss of him.

The final segment on Oprah with the couple was them talking about their life today, their life without their three beautiful children. The mom said, "Yes, we lost our children, life today is incredibly different than it was then, our life will never be the same, but we are happy and okay again and that is the important thing."
I also know today my life is entirely different that it was two and a half years ago. My life is way different now than it was last year at this point and time thanks to Ry and his kids. My life has changed, it's different but that for one second does not mean that I do not love Shawn. I still love Shawn with all of my heart, I still think about him every single day. What it means is through my grief, and through grieving I am okay. Yes, I lost my husband, four weeks after his funeral I miscarried our first baby, but I'm grateful for the life that I had, and for my life now. My life will never again be the same, but I am happy and okay and that is the important thing!!!

****Side note to the couple on Oprah
I can not remember the exact time line but shortly after the loss of their three children, she found out she was pregnant again. With triplets....two girls and a boy. Each of whom share the same middle name of each of their sisters and brother in heaven.