Please Remember....Infant Loss and Rememberance Day

Today October 15 is a very important day for many many people and many Moms. Today is the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. Today is a day to remember all babies who have died through a miscarriage (at any week), stillbirths, SIDS, or any other infant death.


As you all know I lost my baby, mine and Shawn's baby four weeks after his funeral. I was just a little over nine weeks pregnant. I had my first doctor's appointment with my doctor in Ohio just four days after Shawn's funeral, I should have been seven weeks at that time. At that visit my parents, Shawn's mom, and two of my best friends Jennie and Lora went with me. We all saw the little "spot" on the screen. The spot was our little baby. I still to this day for some reason carry the picture of my ultrasound in my purse with me. However, there was no heartbeat yet. The nurse and my doctor (who I loved) as well as my family and friends did their best to reassure me that it was probably just too early yet and for me not to worry about it. WAY easier said than done. My doctor wrote an order for my new doctor up in Michigan to due a follow up ultra sound one week later, at that point there should have definitely been a heartbeat. That was one of the worst weeks ever. I had to pack up my life with Shawn, say good bye to my friends, all while trying not to worry about the fact that I did not see or hear my babies heartbeat. All this time I was still very sick with morning sickness. Or rather all day sickness in my case. I was throwing up all the time and could not even stand the sight of food. I thought that as longs as I was sick it was a good thing. I remember thinking if the baby wasn't growing why else would I be so sick. I tried not to worry, but I still had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong. One week after I got back to Michigan I had another ultrasound, I actually had two or three of them. At the last one it was confirmed that they baby was not growing and there was still no heartbeat. In fact, the baby had actually started shrinking. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I wanted and needed this baby so much. That baby was going to be the one thing that would always be a part of Shawn and I. My doctor wanted me to have a D&C right away. I did not want that, I did not want to go near any hospital, let alone for me to have surgery. I asked my doctor if I could wait and see if I would miscarry on my own. She told me she would let me go for three weeks, then if not a D&C would be needed. For the next three weeks I sat in my house grieving for Shawn and for our baby. I wouldn't go anywhere because I was scared of "it" happening in a public place. It turns out my body would not cooperate with me and I ended up having the D&C one month after Shawn's funeral. This entire time I was still so sick. It turns out I had the type of miscarriage where the baby doesn't grow, but the hormones are still in your body acting as if I was still pregnant. Lucky me.

Shawn and I had two different names picked out. If the baby was going to be a girl I wanted to name her Aubree Faith and he wanted to name her Rylee Ann, and if it was a boy we both agreed on Logan Robert. The day Shawn died I told everyone that if the baby was a girl I was going to name her Rylee because that is the name Shawn wanted so bad. If I would not have miscarried our baby would be 18 months old today. I haven't actually thought about that in a long time. It's even hard for me to imagine that. Today my baby is in heaven with it's Daddy and I know they are both with me and watching over me every single day. At my doctors visit in Ohio the nurse typed up on one of the ultra sound pictures the words, "I love my Daddy" and gave me that picture. When she gave it to me I remember just kinda gasping for air. I had that picture laminated and when they laid Shawn's headstone I had them put that picture under it so that it would be close to Shawn.

So today please say an extra prayer for somebody you know who has lost a baby at any age, say a prayer for their baby and for the parents as well. It will mean a lot to each of us who have gone through this.

If you want and feel comfortable doing so please leave me a comment and let me know who you will be remembering today. Or if you would like share your story with me.