A Little Business, A Wedding Anniversary and Just Breathe

I'm sure many of you have noticed that I have not been blogging as much as I used too. If you have noticed that, then you are 100% right. I have reasons for this, unfortunately, at this time, I can't really get into much of my reasons. All I will say is that there are people who are now reading my blog, who I never intended to be reading it. For now, this has changed how I will write my blog and what I will be posting about. To be perfectly honest with you, I HATE that I have to do this, but at this particular time it is something that I must do. When the time is right I will explain...I promise. This is my blog, my place to write down my thoughts and feelings, no matter what they are, happy or sad. I have put myself out in the blogging world 110% and have shared my story with each and every one of you. Through my blog and what I have gone through with losing Shawn I have had the opportunity to meet and to help so many other young widows. I have also been amazed at all the love and support that I have received from each and every one of my readers. I'm blessed and grateful to have each and every one of you in my life and reading my blog and I hope that you all decide to "stick" with me through all of this. A few people have told me that I need to stop blogging. I refuse to do that, I am today because of what happened to me the day Shawn passed away. I want to share my story, I want to share my "new life" with you all, and I want more than anything to keep blogging. So after giving it much thought I have decided to do just that. I will still be blogging about my life and what is going on, as well as other stuff. However, because of "situations" beyond my control, and people reading my blog that I never intended to read I'm going to have to "watch" what I say for the next little while. It sounds strange to me knowing that my blog is read by thousands of people over the world, and I have never once felt threatened or "violated" by any of them. Now, for some reason I feel as though this has happened in a round about sort of way and I really do hate that I have to watch what I blog about. I feel that there are many things that have been happining to me, that I typically would have shared with you all but can't as of now. Again, I promise when the time is right I will.

For the time being please, please know that I'm well. Things are going good and I'm happy, busy, but happy. Things with Mr. X are great as well, and he continues to be amazingly supportive of everything that I have gone through the last almost two years of my life. Over the next few weeks things will be slowing down a bit, so I will be having more time to comment on your blogs as well. Please don't think I haven't been reading, because I have, just very little time to comment. Like I said though, this have changed allowing me more time.

Tomorrow is kind of another big day for me. Nine years ago tomorrow if Shawn was still alive we would be celebrating our ninth wedding anniversary! It sounds strange to me to think that we would have been married for nine years. That is such a long, long time, especially in today's society. We by far did not have the perfect marriage, but we did have a great marriage. A marriage that was full of love, support, and respect for each other. We sure had our fair share of difficult times, but we always made it through it with our love. Just as I can remember the day Shawn died like yesterday, I can also remember our wedding day. It was a beautiful, bright blue sky day,there wasn't a cloud in the sky, and for May it was hot. We were surrounded my our family and friends. I also remember not being nervous at all. I tell people I wasn't nervous because I knew marrying Shawn was the best choice I had made in my life so far. We were both young when we got married, probably too young. However, we grew up with each other, we both changed and we helped each other change to become better people over the course of our marriage. On my wedding day if someone had told me that I would never see our ninth anniversary with Shawn, and if they told me that he was going to die seven years into our marriage, I would still marry him. Even though I have been through hell and back the last 20 months I would not change one minute of my life or my marriage with Shawn. Loving Shawn, and being Shawn's wife were two of the greatest things I have ever done. Being loved by Shawn and having his love and support have made me the person that I am today. I would not be "me" today without Shawn. Even though I didn't have the happy, grow old together ending that I dreamed of when I was a little girl, I am still so happy, blessed and grateful to have spent 12 years with Shawn, seven of which we were married. Shawn and I had the best journey together, and I know Shawn will always be with me and in my heart no matter what my journey has in store for me as I continue to live my life. You know the saying, "To better have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Well, in my case that is 100% true. I am so happy that I got the opportunity to love Shawn and to be Shawn's wife. Those two things have so far been the greatest gifts in my life. No matter how much time passes, no matter what my future has in store for me, I will always love Shawn. Every May 19, I will always think of Shawn and the day that I married him. Tomorrow I will go to the cemetery and take flowers out to Shawn's grave. I will probably sit there and have a little "talk" with him. I will tell him thank you for loving me, I will tell him that I still love him and that I miss him. I will also thank him for instilling in me the strength that he did to help me the last 20 months of my life. I'm not sure how tomorrow will be or how it will go. Maybe I will be okay, and maybe I won't. The one thing I've learned is that you don't know how you will react until a day happens. However, I know that I will "celebrate" our anniversary in my own way, and I know that I will always love Shawn and that a part of my heart will always, forever and ever belong to him.

Okay, now onto a song my friend Lora told me about last week that I seriously have not stopped listening too. Lora and her husband Chris went to the Pearl Jam concert last week in Cleveland. The are total Pearl Jam lovers. During the concert Lora called me and told me that she was crying during one of the songs because in a way the song reminded her of me. It's a song called Just Breathe. Lora asked me if I had heard it and I didn't think I had, so I youtubed it and instantly fell in love with the song. It is totally amazing. I'm not even lying when I tell you I think I've listened to the song about ten times a day. Below is the video, please watch it and really listen to the words. I think it will really touch a lot of you.

Here are the words in case you didn't feel like listening to the video:

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,..
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,..
Let's just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..
Yeh, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
to make me bleed.

Stay with me,..
You're all I see.

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.

I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw-huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean, ah-ah...

Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.


So on the night before what would have been my ninth wedding anniversary, I have listened to this song over and over again. I will love Shawn for ever and he will always hold a special place in my heart, and one day I will meet him on the other side.